20 Goals for 2019

I know the year is already half over, but here are my goals for 2019 (this was not finished earlier as my goals kept changing). 

Social Goals

1. Be observant (of other humans)

Stop thinking about myself and observe what others are feeling.

2. Overlook rudeness, and reframe as much as possible.

I learned this from an interview with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  I've noticed that I tend to misinterpret situations more than 50% of the time. I need to remind myself that, more often than not, people don’t mean to hurt me.  As a clueless engineer working among possibly even more clueless engineers, I should realize I'm bumping up against low EQ (emotional intelligence) rather than malicious intent.

3. Control my anger

Or channel the anger in a skilled way. Try centering myself in the midst of an anger inducing situation, and channeling the anger into making a “boundary” and focussing it in my responses.

4. Get rejected at least once a week 

Rejection is my biggest fear! Hopefully exposing myself to more of it will help me be less fearful of it.

5. Be vulnerable

As I've grown older, I've become more and more private, saving my innermost thoughts only for those close to me. In order to make connections, I need to be more vulnerable, but not in a socially unacceptable way that prematurely forces intimacy, or when the person doesn’t deserve it.

6. Don't be a bully

I get really impatient with people I perceive to be stupid. Or to be absolutely correct, I get really impatient with people who are deluded about their ignorance or lack of skills (see my post about how to handle people like this). I should not discriminate against people on the basis of their ignorance or incompetence, just like I shouldn't discriminate on the basis of gender or sex. I'm only being slightly facetious, here. Stupid is not something one chooses to be.

Physical Goals

7. Take a gym class 3X/week (or spend 60 minutes at the gym).

8. Walk a minimum of 7000 steps on the days that I don’t take a gym class, or do cardio in the gym for 30 minutes instead. 

9. Strengthen my back and core muscles with yoga, pilates, weights and barre.

10. Self-care: Take more steam baths and take better care of my skin.

11. Eat more vegetables and fruit.

12. Minimize the times I eat until I am past full.

Career Goals

13. Try something new at work. Ask my boss if I can represent the company at a conference. Interface with the customer more.
14. Read (or listen to) management, social skills, and communication books to improve my career.
15. Be more curious about the people I work with. Ask them about their day or something personal.
16. Continue to take big design risks. It seems like every time I do something bold, like contributing a design without being asked, it pays off (such as receiving a patent).
17. Dig deeper. Scrape below the surface with my analysis and with my line of questioning.

Fun Goals

18. Have more IRL fun. Don’t be a hermit all the time. Even though I live a rich internal life through books, movies and video games, sometimes I need to remind myself that real life is more piquant. If consuming video games is like candy, hanging out with my friends/family is like a healthy, nourishing meal.
19. Frame more pictures and paintings. Since being denied an office in my new work building, I’ve been obsessed with decorating my cubicle so that I don’t feel so deprived. I’ve decorated my cube with accessories from Ikea and West Elm, and there are now several plants enjoying my primo real estate under the skylight (so bright, I almost need to wear sunscreen every day). Now, I don’t wish for any of the offices (they look like jail cells), and I feel like I’m at the spa every time I work at my desk. I’ve even gotten several compliments on how nice my cube looks, although I think the natural lighting does most of the heavy lifting.
20. Organize a trip with family and/or friends: Thanksgiving in Hawaii? Christmas in Europe? Roadtrip to Disneyland?

2018 Year in Review

2018 was year 2 of the “Resistance”. Although the country’s reputation has fallen in regard globally, and although much of the rest of the country will probably suffer due to the current president’s policies, we in California have largely been unaffected. I have done my part fighting for political causes that I believe in and fighting the current administration. I have donated to the ACLU this past year, as well as Planned Parenthood, and the Democratic Redistricting Committee (the group that works to reverse gerrymandering in Republicans' favor). Following the Kavanaugh hearings, I also gave money to several Democratic senators whose performances during the hearings I admired, as well as donating money to whichever candidate will eventually run against Maine Senator Susan Collins. During the midterms, I gave money to several promising candidates, including Stacy Abrams, who ran for governor in Georgia, but unfortunately lost. Whether she lost fairly or not, is unclear. The candidate she ran against was also the official overseeing the election - which is a huge conflict of interest. And also there were patently obvious attempts to restrict the vote in that state. (By the way, I am veering off from my former stance to stay away from politics  because I think we are at an exceptionally bad moment in history, that I think that I stand on the right side of history, and for me not to have a firm, public stance would be cowardly and unprincipled.)

Work-wise, it was a bit tough this year, but extremely rewarding in terms of the things that I was able to accomplish. On the negative side, I broke down a couple of times. The first time, I got responsibility taken away from me. That didn’t offend me. I think my manager decided to unload me because I truly was overwhelmed, and he and I realized I didn’t do well in customer-facing roles. At any rate, I was OK with having responsibilities off-loaded from me, because that allowed me to focus on one of the most challenging work assignments I’ve ever had. That assignment was unique in having tight size constraints, but huge strength requirements. I literally lost blood, sweat and tears designing this thing. Every time I tested a new round of prototypes, my nerves were wracked. If my test results were poor, it could ruin my day and leave me in a death spiral of ruminative thinking. But in retrospect, the fear that I felt was not due to a loss of faith in my own ability (I knew that I would eventually succeed), but because I feared I would take longer than expected and lose my managers’ faith in me. The fact that I eventually succeeded makes this a definite feel-good story to refer back to the next time I feel fear of failure, which is inevitable in this line if work. 

A couple of other standout moments in a largely uneventful year: (1) we vacationed in French Polynesia, where we did some scuba diving in Rangiroa, and had a great experience, even though we didn’t stay in an overwater bungalow. I will have some vacation video to post shortly.

(2) I also bought a Tesla Model 3, and counter to what I thought would happen, I actually love the car. Having only driven it a short time, I think I love the car even more than I loved my Mini Cooper convertible. I even named the car, “Toothless” after the dragon in "How to Train Your Dragon". if you compare the two, you can definitely see the resemblance. Also, they are both very cute, yet powerful.

Black Tesla Model 3

Toothless the Dragon

I hope that things will be as good and as uneventful in the year to come as 2018 was. Of course, me being me, I have a lengthy list of things I want to achieve and work on. It’s too lengthy to detail here, but generally, I want to work on not sweating the small stuff, particularly when it comes to my coworkers, even when they are trying my last nerve. And also, I want to work on being more vulnerable, but only around people who’ve earned my trust.

How to Have a Luxury Experience Without an Overwater Bungalow in French Polynesia

One of the things I feel regret about is not staying in an overwater bungalow on our recent trip to French Polynesia. Places like Bora Bora are synonymous with overwater bungalows. It seems a little foolish in retrospect not to cross off this bucket item list after traveling to these islands at such great expense. 

Rather than spending money on luxurious digs, however, we spent it all on scuba diving in Rangiroa (part of French Polynesia). And I don't regret this decision because as it turns out, Rangiroa has some of the best scuba diving we've ever experienced. (I'll be writing more about the scuba diving in Rangiroa soon.) If I had spent the money for an overwater bungalow, I would have never ventured out. And I believe we got a more authentic poignant experience by going out more. And, as I constantly reminded my husband during our trip - we will someday come back again, and maybe we will do things a bit differently. 

Looking on with envy at the Sofitel overwater bungalows in Moorea 

In the meantime, I learned a few things about acquiring a luxury experience without actually having to stay in an overwater bungalow. Read on and enjoy:

Stay at an Inexpensive Beachside Hotel

Our bungalow in Moorea, Fare Tokoau, was chicly decorated, was right on the beach, and we could even see the lagoon from our bed. The best part, however, were the cats, dogs, lizards and chickens that visited us on our patio on a daily basis. The disadvantage was noise. We were wakened by roosters nightly, and the sound of the ocean waves was so loud, it sounded like a storm was constantly raging. These are things we probably would not have suffered at an expensive overwater bungalow.

Grab a Coffee at the Fancy Hotel 

Tourism is down in French Polynesia, so we were able to enter any luxury hotel without questioning. Sometimes we ordered breakfast, or a simple coffee at the hotel's beach bar, and we were able to enjoy the same vantage point as the overwater bungalow. 

Take a Swim in the Lagoon

Just because you aren't staying at an overwater bungalow doesn't mean you can't enjoy the same waters. The water is so calm in Bora Bora, that if you are a strong swimmer, you can share the same waters bordering the hotel.

Get the Same Views by Taking a Lagoon Tour

The main advantage of the more expensive overwater bungalows such as the Bora Bora Pearl, or the Intercontinental Thalasso, is that they are situated on private islands and overlook the lagoon towards the central mountain of Bora Bora. However, you can enjoy the same views by taking a lagoon tour. These tours take you around the central mountain of Bora Bora and so you can see all the same vantage points that the more expensive hotels have. We enjoyed this view during a Lagoon tour in Bora Born

Eat Dinner at an Overwater Restaurant

Creperie Toatea at the Hilton Moorea serves savory Alsatian crepes. It is located above lagoon waters that are spectacularly lit from beneath. As we ate, we saw black tip reef sharks, and even a stingray swim by beneath us.



Happy diners at Creperie Toatea

Eat at Bloody Mary's

Bloody Mary's is the original Tiki Bar. This famous establishment in Bora Bora is positively dripping with glamor. You can feel the history emanating from every corner, from the varnished tree stump stools down to the white sandy bottom floor. Celebrities used to come, and still come to party at this famous restaurant. Pictured above is the selection of the day. You choose what you want to eat, and then the chef grills it for you a la carte.

Shop for Pearls

I admit to contracting “pearl fever” when we set foot inside Tahiti Pearl Market, a second story no-frills institution in Paeete. You may have heard of Tahitian pearls, or black pearls as they are better known. These giant pearls, which are most commonly gray, are only cultivated in French Polynesia. My Chinese heritage came out in full force when we started to roll pearls around on satin covered trays. The way a pearl is graded is pretty well defined: the larger, the rounder, and the more blemish-free a pearl is, the higher the cost. But what isn’t graded is that ineffable life of a pearl, that thing that gives you shivers of excitement and what makes you go “ooh” and “ahhh”. These pearls were so lustrous they looked as reflective as a mirror, and were so colorful, ranging from pink to yellow to green, they wouldn't even register as pearls to the uneducated eye. Selecting and purchasing a pearl was really fun. I highly recommend the experience.

Take Time to Savor the Small Things

After traveling at great expense, sometimes the simplest things are the most memorable. Here’s a meal reflective of French Polynesia that you won't get in an overwater bungalow: everything is imported from France or Asia: cheese, sausage, and Malaysian shrimp chips. The only native thing is the fresh mango. And constantly constraining friendly kitty, Madeline, from consuming the entire meal will certainly be a memory that I will savor.

Afterward: My husband was so supportive of our housing decisions. While walking around the Bora Bora, we ran into some dilapidated overwater bungalows (Sofitel Marara, which is currently under repair), and we even encountered the abandoned Club Med. At the Sofitel, there was no beach to speak of, the bungalow itself was mere feet away from the mainland, and the water below was full of algae. My husband turned to me and asked: aren’t you glad we didn’t book one of these? We would have been so upset. I feel good that we spent less, had lowered expectations, and were pleasantly surprised. I tend to get very unhappy when I feel I spent too much one things. My experience in Rangiroa, where we spent the most on lodging, was an example of feeling ripped off, and I actually wrote a harsh review about it TripAdvisor. I'm glad that such heartbreak didn't happen to us with an overwater bungalow.

What to Bring, What Not to Bring, & What to Buy in French Polynesia

Stuff You Should Bring

1. Mosquito Spray. Bring or buy one can of mosquito spray for each person, for every week spent in French Polynesia. 
2. Swim goggles and swim cap. The lagoons are like swimming pools. Just jump in and go.

   

   The water is so calm, swimming in Bora Bora is like swimming in a pool. Definitely bring goggles if you want to see the fish while doing your "laps". Here I am at the Hotel Temanuata beach after swimming over to the overwater bungalows next door.

3. Snorkeling equipment. The snorkeling is some of the best I’ve ever seen.

   

   I saw some of the healthiest coral I've ever seen while snorkeling, so definitely bring snorkeling equipment

4. Gloves. If you are scuba diving in Rangiroa, the current is so fast, that it is sometimes recommended to climb across the coral bottom instead of kicking and wasting air. Because I wasn’t wearing gloves, my hands got torn by the sharp coral. I will be writing up a review of the diving in Rangiroa at a later date.
5. A beach towel. The medium-range hotels don’t offer beach towels. 
6. Your own pedicure (or nail polish). There were no manicurists in the smaller islands like Moorea and Rangiroa as far as I could tell. And it's always fun to sport a festive toenail color when you’re wearing flip flops all the time.
7. Your own instant coffee. There are no coffee shops in French Polynesia because coffee hasn’t caught on yet. All rooms come with an electric tea kettle. One of the favorite things we did in all of French Polynesia was to enjoy a cup of instant coffee on our patio.

   

   My husband and I enjoyed a cup of instant coffee every morning. Here we are on our patio in Moorea with one of Moorea's major agricultural products: pineapple.

8. Sunscreen. To be quite honest, I didn’t really use any. The sun isn’t that strong in French Polynesia and the native Tahitians themselves are really light-skinned as a result. But you may want to bring some if you are fair skinned.
9. Bathing suits. Mark and I basically shared a single suitcase for 2 weeks. We just wore bathing suits all the time.
10. One or two good dresses, or tops. Dinner is often communal at these mid-range pensions. It would be good to doff the bathing suit you’ve been wearing all day and put on something that makes you less crazy looking.
11. Books. Almost none of the hotels have TV’s, and the ones that do, only feature French shows. And free WiFi is not guaranteed. I ended reading 3.5 books while on my 2 week vacation.
12. A phone that is a good camera so you can show pictures you took to your your new friends at dinner. If your cell phone doesn’t have a good camera, your camera needs to have the ability to download directly to your cell phone or iPad.
13. Space in your luggage. We made the serious error of not leaving any room in our luggage and ran into weight problems at the airport. We bought famous Tahitian rum, and an assortment of fresh fruit jams, and “manoi” coconut oil as gifts for friends. 

Don’t Bring

1. High heels. Some restaurants, notably Bloody Mary’s, have sandy bottom floors. It would be difficult to walk in heels in this environment.

I designed and made this Pareo at the Intercontinental in Moorea

Buy

1. Pareu. This is a sarong-like piece of cloth that Tahitians traditionally used to wear. Buy one (every other store sells them), or even make one in French Polynesia.
2. Jewelry. Every other store is a jewelry store selling Tahiti's 3rd greatest export: Tahitian pearls. You can get a better selection, and for cheaper nowhere else in the world.
   

   

   You can shop for beautiful Tahitian Pearl jewelry to suit all budgets in French Polynesia

Leviathan Wakes - A Review

"Leviathan Wakes"

(This book review is part of my effort to write down a few words after every book I read.) 

If you like science fiction, and love space opera in particular, then I highly recommend reading “Leviathan Wakes”. This is the first book in the 7-part “The Expanse” series by James S. A. Corey (a pseudonym for the writer duo, Daniel Abraham and Tyler Franck). And it is also the book upon which the first season of “The Expanse” TV show is based. I found the book just as riveting as the TV show and perhaps even more fast paced than the TV show. From what I understand, the show added sections from other books, such as what was happening on Earth, to show more facets of the space conflict, and to add more beef to the season.

In the story, people have dispersed across the solar system. Human tensions are high between Earth, Mars, and the Belt - the poor communities that dot the asteroid belt. The book starts out with two parallel stories. Miller, a detective, is assigned to find Julie Mao, a rebellious rich girl from Earth who has disappeared. At the same time, a motley crew of ice haulers lead by James Holden, have been flagged down mid delivery to investigate a distress call in deep space. Pretty soon, both story lines merge in a satisfying way and war threatens to breaks loose throughout the solar system.

Holden (R) and his partner are detectives hot on a case

The Motley Crew of the Rocinante

The book is a swashbuckling space opera in the best sense. There were plenty of epic space battles, and also plenty of exciting human shoot outs as well. There was a budding romance between Holden and Naomi, but more interestingly, a buddy romance between Holden and Miller as well. In one exciting sequence, both have been exposed to a deadly dose of radiation, but need to rely on each other to shoot through “vomit zombies” in order to reach their ship, where life-saving medications await. I also really appreciated the author’s visual imagination. There were some awe-inspiring space vistas, pulsing night clubs, all the way down to tightly cramped ships quarters reeking of unwashed bodies.

One of the co-authors of the book, Ty Franck was formerly George R. R. Martin’s assistant. George R. R. Martin, in case you didn’t know, is the author behind the “A Song of Ice and Fire” books (the basis for “the Game of Thrones” TV series). The first few drafts of “Leviathan Wakes” were developed under Martin’s watchful eye. As a result, I see a lot of influences from George R. R. Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire” series on this book. Like in “A Song of Ice and Fire”, “Leviathan Wakes” has a complex plot line that really racks the reader’s brains to follow. There are feints and plot twists. The plot is revealed through characters’ points of view, who don’t always see the entire picture, so the reader is forced to put it all together themselves. I have seen the TV show, and I have read the first book, and I still struggle to fully grok the storyline and the different political interests. Another similarity with“A Song of Ice and Fire” series is that there are very strong, intelligent, fully fleshed female characters throughout. A final similarity is that the characters are not purely good or bad, especially in the case of Miller, the suicidal, broken cop who finds a hero’s purpose for the first time in his life in this novel. 

This book has brought me a much greater appreciation for the TV series as well. The actors who play Naomi, Amos, and Miller characters are spot on. I must give the actor who plays Miller special praise. Thomas James is much younger and much handsomer than the character he is supposed to play, who is supposed to be near 50 and possessing a “sad, basset hound face”. Just watch him in HBO’s “Hung” to see how classically handsome he can be. But in the TV series, the actor has managed to distort his features and embody Miller’s greasy qualities.

Finally, this book has some of the best space ship names ever.  The Rocinante, the Razorback, and Donnager are some of the quirkiest ship monikers I’ve ever heard. If ever I came to own a sail boat, I might have to name it The Rocinante for the way it rolls off the tongue.

Rolfing Massage - Session 2: The Feet

Correct foot alignment was the focus of my second Rolfing session

I just received my Rolfing Session 2. (This blog post is a continuation from when I received my first session.)

The timing of my massage session was horrible. I had gone from attending a stressful 4 hour phone conference, to racing off to work for a few hours. While at work, I became infuriated at one of my clueless coworkers who was working on my project behind my back. Before I knew it, it was time to leave work to drive to my massage appointment. During the 1 hour drive in horrible traffic, I tried to relax and calm down.

Walking into Kelly’s office, I explained that I was stressed because of the traffic, and that I was angry at my coworker who I felt might be trying to undermine me. She immediately asked me where I stored my stress. I answered my legs and shoulders. Ignoring my answer, she immediately went to work on my stomach, explaining that there was a network of fascia radiating from the belly. I was surprised when she bore her elbow directly down on my belly button. I thought that feeling my my pulse underneath her elbow would freak me out, and thoughts of rupturing my abdominal aorta passed through my brain, but instead I felt extremely curious. It was unlike any sensation I had ever felt. I could not tell if I was feeling intestinal pain or if I was feeling fascial pain. It surprised me too when she let off the pressure, asking me whether or not I had felt the release. According to Kelly, the fascia in my belly had suddenly released. Unfortunately, I was too wrapped up in all the other strange sensations to register it.

This rest of the session was focused on my feet and lower legs, which is traditionally what the Rolfing Session 2 is all about. As she explained to me, better alignment in my feet and legs results in better shock absorption when I’m walking, leading to less pain in my back. She said my ankles were tight and dedicated an hour plus on just my ankles, and the sides of my shins. She directed most of her effort on lengthening the inner side of my lower legs and feet, which seems counterintuitive at first since I thought I was rather flat footed. Per usual, I involuntarily yelped out in pain. But it began to make sense as the hour wore on what she was trying to do. Sitting at a chair is a good example. As you sit at a chair with knees at hip distance apart and feet parallel, do your arches reach the ground? Mine don’t. My feet tend to invert (see picture above) so that my outer soles touche, but my arches are raised. By lengthening my legs, my Rolfing massage therapist was trying to encourage a healthier walking stride and more supportive standing structure.

It wasn’t until a day later that I felt the changes more fully. My legs were feeling all tender from the painful massage. My inner shin and inner ankles felt less tight. I paid attention more to my walk, focusing on preventing my foot inversion. But the biggest change of all was in my belly. I felt a lot of the tension there had disappeared. Oddly, I didn’t know there was even tension in my belly until it was gone. I guess Kelly was right. I must store stress in my stomach. I will forever remember to breathe down into my belly when I am stressed, and will even try poking at my belly to relieve tension. 

(Epilogue: I gently confronted the coworker who had infuriated me the following day, and it turned out he wasn’t intentionally trying to undermine me at all. So all is well that ends well.)

Rolfing Massage - Session 1

So, I think I began my first Rolfing session. Last week, I met Rolfer, Kelly Armstadt for potentially the first session in the Rolfing 10-part series. This was the direct result of writing down some of my non-travel related bucket list items for the new year, which included experiencing Rolfing. (And I love me a list to cross off.)

Just in case you don’t know, Rolfing is a special type of massage therapy which focusses on myofascial release for lasting pain relief, and for radically restructuring bodies. After undergoing the regimented 10-part series, people’s posture, and general biomechanics are purportedly more aligned and more efficient. Search the internet for “Rolfing” and you will see an abundance of before-and-after pictures. It is also known for: (1) humiliating photos in one’s underwear (see left picture), and (2) being very, very painful due to the deep restructuring. Kelly reassured me, however, that she had stopped taking photos of patients long ago, and that she would be attentive to when the pain wasn’t being beneficial. 

Rolf Body Alignment Before-And-After

Massaging the rib cage

I undressed down to my bra and a pair of hot pants and stood in front of Kelly so that she could see how my body was aligned. As she viewed me from the front, side and behind, I felt surprisingly comfortable, albeit excited to explain to her why I was seeing her: I had some minor pain in my right lower back that nevertheless was limiting my mobility, and I had some concern about improving my body alignment so as to avoid hip problems as I got older. (My mother received hip replacement surgery for both hips.) I finally explained that I am just generally enthused and curious about learning about all forms of bodywork and experimenting on my own body. (I am also entertaining a career as a massage therapist or physical therapist in my retirement, although I didn’t tell Kelly that.)

She explained that she saw some forward pelvic tilt, and some arching of my upper back to compensate, which wasn’t news to me and was what made me want to see a Rolfer in the first place. But she also saw some right shoulder drop, and some flat footedness, which wasn’t something that I had really thought could be addressed with Rolfing. 

After laying down on her heated massage table, I was kind of half hoping that there would be some pain, because my belief is that there is no real improvement unless there is pain, and I wasn’t disappointed. She interspersed soothing strokes with strong pokes with her out-stretched fingers in so many weird places that I couldn’t help but involuntarily yell out in pain. Notably, she didn’t use any massage oil, I think, because fingers need to stick to the skin in order to shear and separate the myofascial tissues connecting skin to underlying muscle.

This first session was about opening the breath. What this means is getting massaged around your sternum and rib cage, which wasn’t as ticklish or invasive as you might think. Nevertheless, it made me nauseous and I asked Kelly to stop so that I could sit up. Kelly told me that my nausea was probably due to being unaccustomed to being opened up in that way. After a few sips of water, I felt better and was ready to continue. Here were the things that were most interesting (read: painful) to me in my first session:

1. Quadratus lumborum - this spot is better accessed from the side, and when she dug her thumb into this area, I yelped. As a part of my self care, I found a near analogue by lying on the ground and using the hooked end of my Therastick as a lever to poke around that area. You need extra leverage because this area is incredibly thick and stiff.
2. That spot on my wrist between the ulnar and radius bones in my fore arm. My left wrist had been in pain, and I hadn’t even addressed that with her. But she found that spot on her own and bore down on it. Afterwards my wrist felt much better,
3. The gluteus medius - this was so painful that it felt like she was bruising me rather than massaging me. But the pain is so worth it because you can feel your hip lengthen, and oddly you feel super sedated after being pushed down on this area.

After the session was done, I noticed a dramatic change in the way that I was feeling. And that feeling translated to how I stood. My pelvis was not as forward tilted and my torso also felt longer. I felt like my lower back pain was noticeably improved as well. Unfortunately, a week has passed, and most of the stiffness and pain came back, probably due to sitting a lot at my job, and also due to some of the emotional patterns that I continue to manifest in my body. I have a feeling that undergoing the Rolfing 10 part series, may not be sufficient. However, I will still proceed with the Rolfing, just to satisfy my own curiosity, and to continue learning about my own body and methods for self-care.

  

Peter And Wendy - A Review

A mounted photograph from “The Castaway Boys of Black Lake Island”, one of the inspirations behind the tale of "Peter And Wendy"

This review is part of my effort to write down a few words for every book that I read.

“Peter And Wendy” is the children’s book by J. M. Barrie which, along with the play, inspired the classic Walt Disney animation, “Peter Pan”. I was motivated to read the book because Gretchen Rubin, the book author, and self-professed book lover recommended it. Also, I really enjoy historic children's literature. Disclosure, I have not yet seen the Disney film so I cannot provide much comparison with it.

What I initially found fascinating about the book was it’s backstory. The author, J.M. Barrie was a successful playwright in England who eventually formed a tight-knit friendship with several young boys and their widowed mother, Sylvia Llewelyn Davies in the 1890s. The imaginative stories he invents for the boys to play-act later became the basis for “the boy who never grew up”.

The friendship between J. M. Barrie and the Llewelyn Davies family was famously deep and unusual. The author, himself, was in a sexless marriage, and Sylvia, the mother, was young, attractive and widowed. However, their relationship never progressed beyond a close familial friendship. This was probably because Barrie was a gay man, although his sexuality was never identified conclusively. Nevertheless, their relationship was so close that Sylvia eventually granted Barrie guardianship of her children upon her early death from cancer.

The family was deeply imaginative, and they enthusiastically took part in the playacting Barrie initiated. And the playing took on a vibrant intensity that I think was unusual. For example, The “Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island”, a novel that is enshrined at the rare books library at Yale, illustrates their adventures with mounted photographs and shows their deep investment to fantasy life. The deepness of their friendships, and their deep commitment to their fantasy life was eventually portrayed in the movie, “Neverland”, starring Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet.

As for the book itself, I found it very well-written, laugh out loud funny, and not a little bit weird. The book is full of hallucinatory images that could have been the result of a drug-induced mind. I found it curious that the play preceded the book since many of its surreal scenes could not have been reproduced on a theater stage. For example, the Lost Boys enter and exit their underground home by shimmying up and down tree holes like worms. The father of Wendy imprisons himself inside their dog’s kennel. So serious is his commitment to inhabiting the kennel that he even goes to work and to fancy parties while inside the kennel.

Lastly, I found the book’s attitude towards Never Land, and to fantasy, to be a little ambiguous. The whole assertion is that children’s imaginations are real, Never Land is real, and it is only because we stop believing as adults that we can no longer see Peter Pan, or go back to Never Land. However, while the children are in Never Land, they acknowledge that some of their play is NOT real. Sometimes they go to sleep hungry from the lack of real food, or when Peter Pan insists on eating pretend food. When the boys kill pirates, or when the Indians die, the deaths are taken lightly, as it would whenever children play. Peter Pan is the only character who is fully committed to their shared reality.

“Why We Sleep”

I’ve been trying to find more purpose behind reading books. If I forget what I’ve read, why bother reading anything at all? Of course I love to read. And that should be reason enough to do it. But I’d like to believe that I’m improving myself through reading, whether by learning something new, or just to be an educated, well-read member of society. This is why I vow to write a brief review for every book that I read. The effort it takes to summarize a book consolidates my learnings, and also, when I do forget what I’ve read (why deny the inevitable?), I can review what I learned.

This review is part of my effort to write down a few words for every book that I read.



I was inspired to read, “Why We Sleep - Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams”, after listening to neuroscientist and Berkeley professor, Matthew Walker speak on NPR’s “Fresh Air”. I have always known what a balm sleeping was for illness, and I have always had a basic appreciation for how it healed the body after exercise. What intrigued me, however, was his assertion that sleep is also actually good for our mental health, and emotional regulation.

Have you ever gone to bed, only to wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, worrying about the past day’s events? I have a confession: I am sometimes kept up at night by worry. By morning’s time, however, my anxiety usually is reduced, or completely gone. As a result, I have taken the motto, “sleep on it”, to heart. For me, this motto means that my problems are never truly as bad as they seem at night.

I never came across a good explanation behind my experience until I read Walker’s book. According to Walker, sleep is not only great for your body and other things, but it is also a PAINKILLER FOR YOUR EMOTIONS!!! It is REM dreaming in particular that helps. According to Walker, we often dream about things that have emotional relevance to whatever problems we are undergoing at the moment. (We know this because the emotional parts of our brains fire during REM sleep, and because we ask sleep subjects what they dream about.) This is not terribly surprising. What is unusual is that this occurs while there is a complete absence of noradrenaline in our brains. Noradrenaline is a stress chemical that is normally present. In fact, the only time it is absent is during REM sleep. The heart of Walker’s thesis is this: the act of replaying our emotions in dream form, while no noradrenaline is present, is what anesthetizes us against the pain of our past:

“Is the REM-sleep dreaming state a perfectly designed nocturnal soothing balm—one that removes the emotional sharp edges of our daily lives? It seemed so from everything neurobiology and neurophysiology was telling us (me). If so, we should awake feeling better about distressing events of the day(s) prior.”

There is evidence to suggest he might be right. Sleep studies have shown that subjects who were introduced to traumatic photos experience less emotional charge after sleeping than subjects who were not given a sleep opportunity.

Another data point supporting his thesis is PTSD patients. There is a segment of society for whom sleep does not lessen emotional trauma, for whom time does not heal wounds. This group of people are veterans suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). These people relive emotionally traumatic events as though they had happened yesterday without the lessening of pain we normal people experience through time. It is well known that PTSD patients have disrupted REM sleep. Even more unusually, these people exhibit elevated levels of noradrenaline in their brains during REM sleep, unlike regular people.

The author was pivotal in pioneering a method for treating these veterans by introducing a medicine that reduces their noradrenaline levels while they dreamt. Veterans who underwent this treatment began to have less traumatic dreams, and soon their PTSD symptoms lessened as well. This novel treatment for PTSD patients lends credence to the author’s theory that lowered noradrenaline levels during REM sleep is what helps anesthetize all of us against emotional pain in our lives.


What I found equally revelatory about this book, beyond how sleep helps our emotional well-being, was finding out the biological basis behind each person's chronotype, and why it cannot be changed. A chronotype, in case you did’t know, is what time you prefer to go to sleep, and what time you prefer to wake up each day. A morning person, or a “lark” (as sleep enthusiasts call them), will go to bed early, and who will rise at ungodly times in the morning. Whereas a night person, or an “owl”, will tend to stay active way into the night, and prefer to wake up later. It used to be that night owls were considered lazy and were forced to abide by early riser's schedules. If chronotypes did not have a biological basis, then why is it that sleep preferences change as we age across large swaths of the population? Time and time again, studies have shown that people will tend to late-shift their sleep patterns during adolescence, and early-shift their sleep patterns when they hit retirement age.

Contrary to many’s opinions, and contrary to our lark-favoring society, one’s chronotype cannot be changed, no matter how much willpower you have. Our chronotype is governed by a small part of our brain called the “suprachriasmatic nucleus”. Cued by external signals like the sun, it pumps out a continuous stream of the hormone, melatonin on an approximately 24 hour cycle. A build up of melatonin is what triggers our sleepiness. During sleep, melatonin drops from the system, and the cycle can then begin anew each day. A lark will have an earlier melatonin infusion with respect to the sun than an owl. Because our melatonin production (which cues our sleepiness), is cued by things out of our control like the orbiting of our sun, our specific chronotype cannot be changed.

Why your chronotype is important is because our society is geared towards morning people, which is hugely detrimental to late risers like myself, who cannot adjust their chronotype, and hence suffer the mental and physical consequences as a result. Naturally, if you are an owl like myself, and was forced to wake up too early, this would not only reduce the total amount of sleep I would have, but also would reduce the very important REM sleep that I would be getting in the morning. We get more NREM sleep early in the night, and we get more REM sleep in the morning. REM sleep, as previously stated is super-important to emotional health, but is also supremely important to our social intelligence, and creativity, among other things. By forcing me into a morning person’s schedule, you might very well be making me more depressed, hindering my ability to read social cues, and preventing me from thinking innovatively — all detrimental to living well.

This book has hence made me particularly annoyed at those who glamorize sleeping as little as possible. I have coworkers who profess to having less than 4 hours of sleep a night. I can tell they are sleep deprived from their performances. I get equally angry at institutions like grade schools, which force their students to wake up too early in the morning, which we know is so important to our emotional health, all while their brains are still developing.

We now know much more about “Why We Sleep” than we used to. Hopefully, more people will prioritize their sleep more. It would benefit not only their mental cognition, but also their emotional health.

Deep Blue Divers Review, Grand Cayman

Deep Blue Divers Boat viewed
from below at Northwest Point,
Grand Cayman

I've been trying to do a summary write up of our Cayman Islands trip. It will take a while, since I have a mountain of photos and video to go through. But in the meantime, here's a review that I wrote on TripAdvisor reviewing Deep Blue Divers, the dive operation we used while in Grand Cayman:

If you like affordable small group diving, valet diving, and if you enjoy a sense of community, than you will love "Deep Blue Divers" operated out of the "Lobster Pot Dive Center" in Georgetown on Grand Cayman. We dove with divemasters Nyall (pronounced Neal) and Alice for 4 days. There were never more than 6 people on any of our dives, and there were usually around only 4 people on the boat at a time.(We never saw any other dive boats or divers when in the water, which, despite the number of tourists in Grand Cayman, especially when the cruise ships are in town, was a treat.) 

Porcupine Fish, Northwest Point, Grand Cayman

The staff of Deep Blue Divers are mostly English and Scottish with an Australian and odd American thrown in. Both Nyall and Alice were great. In addition to picking us up at our hotel every morning, they were meticulously attentive to our comfort, down to adjusting our weights based upon their observations of us underwater. Both Nyall and Alice absolutely spoiled us by helping us don and doff our gear, making it truly "valet diving". Alice even helped hook us up with a Stingray City tour when our hotel tour fell through. It was quite a treat to receive such great service delivered with such a nice English and Scottish accents. Alice even called Mark and myself, "Love", "Lovey", and sometimes "Darling", which was music to my American ears.

Green Moray Eel-Lonestar Ledges, Grand Cayman

Deep Blue Divers also makes you feel like part of their family. My husband bought a new dive computer and accidentally left it in their rinse tank. Deep Blue Divers kept the dive computer and gave it back to us the following day. Additionally, my husband and I accidentally collected someone else's brand new mask and only discovered it when we were well on our way to Little Cayman. Coordinating with Nick, the owner, however, we managed to courier the mask from Little Cayman back to the island. I was impressed with the amount of time and logistics Nick spent to get a single mask back to its owner.

In summary, Deep Blue Divers was quite affordable (they offer multi-day discounts), and the service was top notch. Their boat dock is a quick drive from the main drag of Seven Mile Beach. The only drawbacks that I can think of is that their diving is mainly limited to the West Wall, which I hear is not as good as the diving on the North Wall. Also, you might not like their strict time limits. On air, the deeper profiles justifies the time limits - 0:40 for the first dive, 0:50 for the second dive. However, if you're breathing Nitrox, you might feel a little short changed by the shorter dive times.