20 Goals for 2019

I know the year is already half over, but here are my goals for 2019 (this was not finished earlier as my goals kept changing). 

Social Goals

1. Be observant (of other humans)

Stop thinking about myself and observe what others are feeling.

2. Overlook rudeness, and reframe as much as possible.

I learned this from an interview with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  I've noticed that I tend to misinterpret situations more than 50% of the time. I need to remind myself that, more often than not, people don’t mean to hurt me.  As a clueless engineer working among possibly even more clueless engineers, I should realize I'm bumping up against low EQ (emotional intelligence) rather than malicious intent.

3. Control my anger

Or channel the anger in a skilled way. Try centering myself in the midst of an anger inducing situation, and channeling the anger into making a “boundary” and focussing it in my responses.

4. Get rejected at least once a week 

Rejection is my biggest fear! Hopefully exposing myself to more of it will help me be less fearful of it.

5. Be vulnerable

As I've grown older, I've become more and more private, saving my innermost thoughts only for those close to me. In order to make connections, I need to be more vulnerable, but not in a socially unacceptable way that prematurely forces intimacy, or when the person doesn’t deserve it.

6. Don't be a bully

I get really impatient with people I perceive to be stupid. Or to be absolutely correct, I get really impatient with people who are deluded about their ignorance or lack of skills (see my post about how to handle people like this). I should not discriminate against people on the basis of their ignorance or incompetence, just like I shouldn't discriminate on the basis of gender or sex. I'm only being slightly facetious, here. Stupid is not something one chooses to be.

Physical Goals

7. Take a gym class 3X/week (or spend 60 minutes at the gym).

8. Walk a minimum of 7000 steps on the days that I don’t take a gym class, or do cardio in the gym for 30 minutes instead. 

9. Strengthen my back and core muscles with yoga, pilates, weights and barre.

10. Self-care: Take more steam baths and take better care of my skin.

11. Eat more vegetables and fruit.

12. Minimize the times I eat until I am past full.

Career Goals

13. Try something new at work. Ask my boss if I can represent the company at a conference. Interface with the customer more.
14. Read (or listen to) management, social skills, and communication books to improve my career.
15. Be more curious about the people I work with. Ask them about their day or something personal.
16. Continue to take big design risks. It seems like every time I do something bold, like contributing a design without being asked, it pays off (such as receiving a patent).
17. Dig deeper. Scrape below the surface with my analysis and with my line of questioning.

Fun Goals

18. Have more IRL fun. Don’t be a hermit all the time. Even though I live a rich internal life through books, movies and video games, sometimes I need to remind myself that real life is more piquant. If consuming video games is like candy, hanging out with my friends/family is like a healthy, nourishing meal.
19. Frame more pictures and paintings. Since being denied an office in my new work building, I’ve been obsessed with decorating my cubicle so that I don’t feel so deprived. I’ve decorated my cube with accessories from Ikea and West Elm, and there are now several plants enjoying my primo real estate under the skylight (so bright, I almost need to wear sunscreen every day). Now, I don’t wish for any of the offices (they look like jail cells), and I feel like I’m at the spa every time I work at my desk. I’ve even gotten several compliments on how nice my cube looks, although I think the natural lighting does most of the heavy lifting.
20. Organize a trip with family and/or friends: Thanksgiving in Hawaii? Christmas in Europe? Roadtrip to Disneyland?

A Story For When I Feel Pessimistic

There’s a lot in the world to be pessimistic about right now. When Trump was elected, I screamed inside. I didn’t know what kind of country I was going to wake up to the following morning. The country was so vehemently sexist and so full of hatred and anger, that they voted for a malignant, racist, narcissist over arguably the most qualified presidential candidate to ever exist in the history of our country. Now that the mid-term elections are nearing, my mood is in a word: pessimistic. Because of gerrymandering, and because half the country is under the thrall of conservative state TV (Fox), and because terrorist acts perpetrated by violent white men have happened in recent days, I have doubts that normal democratic processes will actually endure this coming election day. 

But something happened to me today that actually had me sobbing in my car on my way home, and sobbing even as I write these words. My V.P. of Engineering is hands down one of the most brilliant people I’ve ever met. Because he is getting on in years, I am sometimes the repository of his pearls of wisdom. He said something that was so prescient today, that I felt like I could, just for a moment, glimpse past the micro-problems of our day, and it had me gasping.

ICBMs (intercontinental ballistic missiles) are responsible for delivering nuclear warheads. After the rocket fuel is exhausted, the ICBM is essentially radio silent. If it isn’t radio silent than foreign enemies can hack into it and possibly jam it. If the rocket is essentially dumb/unhackable and radio silent, than how possibly can it reach it’s destination, and within feet of it? 

They launched test missiles from Edwards Air Force Base in California into the middle of the Pacific Ocean, using only simple Newtonian physics to drive them, but the missiles they launched did not reach their goal. When they relaunched the same missile after tweaking what they thought was a faulty rocket motor, the same result happened. Then some smart person realized they needed to do more than use simple idealized trajectories. The missiles had been pulled off course by tiny changes in gravity during flyover. 

So this is how we solved it. We MAPPED the earth’s gravitational disturbances. We launched a fleet of satellites and tracked their speeds and altitudes as they orbited the Earth. The extra gravitation pull from a mountain range, we logged it. The placid pull from the oceans, we mapped it. Even the minute fluctuations of the ground water, we recorded. Any ICBM that will ever be launched will be launched with a single set of mathematical coordinates. Without ever having any sensorial input on where it is in space, it will reach its target, having taken into account every ditch, hill, stream it will have passed. This might be the first and last time a gargantuan feat of science and engineering had me so awestruck, that I literally trembled in my socks.

This is WHY North Korea will be decades away from launching an accurate nuclear warhead on an ICBM, if they ever will. This is WHY we will eventually reverse global warming. This is why, even though our White House and Congress, and perhaps even our Supreme Court, is full of nincompoops, we will eventually come out on top.

The technical brilliance within our country is astounding. The technical talent is so deep, that even now it is not fully realized.

The depth and magnitude of our labor resources is breathtaking. 

We WILL pull through this. If not in this election cycle, then the next, or a couple of decades from now. Our country, even our planet, might be under threat, but we WILL meet this challenge. The next time I am feeling pessimistic about my country, or the world even, I should look back on this moment when I was awestruck.

Rolfing Massage - Session 2: The Feet

Correct foot alignment was the focus of my second Rolfing session

I just received my Rolfing Session 2. (This blog post is a continuation from when I received my first session.)

The timing of my massage session was horrible. I had gone from attending a stressful 4 hour phone conference, to racing off to work for a few hours. While at work, I became infuriated at one of my clueless coworkers who was working on my project behind my back. Before I knew it, it was time to leave work to drive to my massage appointment. During the 1 hour drive in horrible traffic, I tried to relax and calm down.

Walking into Kelly’s office, I explained that I was stressed because of the traffic, and that I was angry at my coworker who I felt might be trying to undermine me. She immediately asked me where I stored my stress. I answered my legs and shoulders. Ignoring my answer, she immediately went to work on my stomach, explaining that there was a network of fascia radiating from the belly. I was surprised when she bore her elbow directly down on my belly button. I thought that feeling my my pulse underneath her elbow would freak me out, and thoughts of rupturing my abdominal aorta passed through my brain, but instead I felt extremely curious. It was unlike any sensation I had ever felt. I could not tell if I was feeling intestinal pain or if I was feeling fascial pain. It surprised me too when she let off the pressure, asking me whether or not I had felt the release. According to Kelly, the fascia in my belly had suddenly released. Unfortunately, I was too wrapped up in all the other strange sensations to register it.

This rest of the session was focused on my feet and lower legs, which is traditionally what the Rolfing Session 2 is all about. As she explained to me, better alignment in my feet and legs results in better shock absorption when I’m walking, leading to less pain in my back. She said my ankles were tight and dedicated an hour plus on just my ankles, and the sides of my shins. She directed most of her effort on lengthening the inner side of my lower legs and feet, which seems counterintuitive at first since I thought I was rather flat footed. Per usual, I involuntarily yelped out in pain. But it began to make sense as the hour wore on what she was trying to do. Sitting at a chair is a good example. As you sit at a chair with knees at hip distance apart and feet parallel, do your arches reach the ground? Mine don’t. My feet tend to invert (see picture above) so that my outer soles touche, but my arches are raised. By lengthening my legs, my Rolfing massage therapist was trying to encourage a healthier walking stride and more supportive standing structure.

It wasn’t until a day later that I felt the changes more fully. My legs were feeling all tender from the painful massage. My inner shin and inner ankles felt less tight. I paid attention more to my walk, focusing on preventing my foot inversion. But the biggest change of all was in my belly. I felt a lot of the tension there had disappeared. Oddly, I didn’t know there was even tension in my belly until it was gone. I guess Kelly was right. I must store stress in my stomach. I will forever remember to breathe down into my belly when I am stressed, and will even try poking at my belly to relieve tension. 

(Epilogue: I gently confronted the coworker who had infuriated me the following day, and it turned out he wasn’t intentionally trying to undermine me at all. So all is well that ends well.)

Rolfing Massage - Session 1

So, I think I began my first Rolfing session. Last week, I met Rolfer, Kelly Armstadt for potentially the first session in the Rolfing 10-part series. This was the direct result of writing down some of my non-travel related bucket list items for the new year, which included experiencing Rolfing. (And I love me a list to cross off.)

Just in case you don’t know, Rolfing is a special type of massage therapy which focusses on myofascial release for lasting pain relief, and for radically restructuring bodies. After undergoing the regimented 10-part series, people’s posture, and general biomechanics are purportedly more aligned and more efficient. Search the internet for “Rolfing” and you will see an abundance of before-and-after pictures. It is also known for: (1) humiliating photos in one’s underwear (see left picture), and (2) being very, very painful due to the deep restructuring. Kelly reassured me, however, that she had stopped taking photos of patients long ago, and that she would be attentive to when the pain wasn’t being beneficial. 

Rolf Body Alignment Before-And-After

Massaging the rib cage

I undressed down to my bra and a pair of hot pants and stood in front of Kelly so that she could see how my body was aligned. As she viewed me from the front, side and behind, I felt surprisingly comfortable, albeit excited to explain to her why I was seeing her: I had some minor pain in my right lower back that nevertheless was limiting my mobility, and I had some concern about improving my body alignment so as to avoid hip problems as I got older. (My mother received hip replacement surgery for both hips.) I finally explained that I am just generally enthused and curious about learning about all forms of bodywork and experimenting on my own body. (I am also entertaining a career as a massage therapist or physical therapist in my retirement, although I didn’t tell Kelly that.)

She explained that she saw some forward pelvic tilt, and some arching of my upper back to compensate, which wasn’t news to me and was what made me want to see a Rolfer in the first place. But she also saw some right shoulder drop, and some flat footedness, which wasn’t something that I had really thought could be addressed with Rolfing. 

After laying down on her heated massage table, I was kind of half hoping that there would be some pain, because my belief is that there is no real improvement unless there is pain, and I wasn’t disappointed. She interspersed soothing strokes with strong pokes with her out-stretched fingers in so many weird places that I couldn’t help but involuntarily yell out in pain. Notably, she didn’t use any massage oil, I think, because fingers need to stick to the skin in order to shear and separate the myofascial tissues connecting skin to underlying muscle.

This first session was about opening the breath. What this means is getting massaged around your sternum and rib cage, which wasn’t as ticklish or invasive as you might think. Nevertheless, it made me nauseous and I asked Kelly to stop so that I could sit up. Kelly told me that my nausea was probably due to being unaccustomed to being opened up in that way. After a few sips of water, I felt better and was ready to continue. Here were the things that were most interesting (read: painful) to me in my first session:

1. Quadratus lumborum - this spot is better accessed from the side, and when she dug her thumb into this area, I yelped. As a part of my self care, I found a near analogue by lying on the ground and using the hooked end of my Therastick as a lever to poke around that area. You need extra leverage because this area is incredibly thick and stiff.
2. That spot on my wrist between the ulnar and radius bones in my fore arm. My left wrist had been in pain, and I hadn’t even addressed that with her. But she found that spot on her own and bore down on it. Afterwards my wrist felt much better,
3. The gluteus medius - this was so painful that it felt like she was bruising me rather than massaging me. But the pain is so worth it because you can feel your hip lengthen, and oddly you feel super sedated after being pushed down on this area.

After the session was done, I noticed a dramatic change in the way that I was feeling. And that feeling translated to how I stood. My pelvis was not as forward tilted and my torso also felt longer. I felt like my lower back pain was noticeably improved as well. Unfortunately, a week has passed, and most of the stiffness and pain came back, probably due to sitting a lot at my job, and also due to some of the emotional patterns that I continue to manifest in my body. I have a feeling that undergoing the Rolfing 10 part series, may not be sufficient. However, I will still proceed with the Rolfing, just to satisfy my own curiosity, and to continue learning about my own body and methods for self-care.

  

Wellness Weekend

I have been an avid experimenter in alternative wellness therapies for years. So anyways, a couple of weekends ago, by coincidence of scheduling, I ended up booking a bunch of wellness therapies back to back. Some of the activities, such as the myofascial release workshop, blew my mind, and made me wanting more.Other things, like the sensory deprivation tank, were kind of, meh. Anyways, here are my reviews:

Myofascial Release Workshop - A+

My local yoga studio held a myofascial release workshop conducted by expert, Wendy Figone. Myofascial release is the new trendy thing. Fascia is basically connective tissue such as collagen and elastin. It is what encases our muscles.  It's the silver skin that sheathes the chicken drumsticks and beef cuts that we buy from the supermarket. Unlike the muscle pain that we get from working out, myofascial pain is chronic - it is that recurring knot in your shoulder that just won't go away. The purpose behind myofascial release is to lengthen and stretch the fascia, thereby alleviating the chronic tension and pain in one's body. Unlike traditional massage therapy, myofascial release is said to alleviate chronic pain permanently.

As a footnote, I have had chronic neck and shoulder pain for years, so I have always been fascinated by body work in general (here is my review of Thai Massage, for example). I was extra interested in how this workshop could alleviate my neck pain, and improve my poor posture.

The workshop incorporated a variety of fun toys, which included not only the more co mmon foam roller, but more exotic toys such as "still point inducers", yoga bolsters, yoga bricks and tennis balls.

During the workshop, I felt achey points melt away much more quickly than if I had tried to massage these spots on my own. I also felt somewhat teary eyed in sections. I was later told by the teacher that many people feel an emotional release after experiencing myofascial release therapy. By the end, I felt so relaxed that I actually snoozed at the end of the class. I was actually embarrassed to find myself waking up while still lying supine when everyone else had already sat up to listen to the teacher give her final comments.

My major takeaways from this class was that myofascial release should feel good, not painful in order for the therapy to more effectively take effect. I learned to use many pillows and bolsters to help relax into a pose and to alleviate pressure from the trigger point itself. I also learned to "jiggle" and to do deep diaphragmatic breathing in order to help release the fascia.

SPX Core Workout - A-

I have been practicing Mat Pilates for years. After a long break in my practice, I have been going back to Pilates, and even tried Reformer Pilates for the first time (here is my review of my first reformer class in Chicago). SPX Core is a popular LA offshoot of reformer pilates which is less mindful, less skillful, but is more hard core. Unlike traditional Pilates, which emphasizes muscular control and is low-cardio, SPX emphasizes engaging all of your muscles at once, and is an intense cardio workout. I am always dripping sweat all over the machine, and always sore for 2 days afterwards. SPX does have it's own fans. Michelle Obama is said to be a fan, and Sophia Vergara has her own machine, and is said to practice 4X a week.

In the end, even though I enjoy traditional reformer Pilates a lot more and find it a lot more mentally stimulating, I think mixing it up with SPX would whip you into shape faster. If you complain about not working out hard enough with Pilates, SPX might be your thing.

Sensory Deprivation Tank - B-

I have always been fascinated since childhood by altered states of consciousness, whether drug-induced or otherwise. I had heard that immersing in a sensory deprivation tank was a great, safe way to enter an altered mind-state. There is quite a lot of literature surrounding floating in a sensory deprivation tank. The literature suggests that flaoting helps people enter a meditative state more easily. Some people have even reported hallucinatung or lucidly dreamed while in such a tank. Having been curious for years, when a LivingSocial coupon was offered to float in a sensory deprivation tank for an hour, I jumped on the opportunity.

Anyways, the idea behind a sensory deprivation tank, also known as a floatation tank or isolation tank, is to isolate one self from bodily sensations so that all you are left with is your mind. A participant floats quietly inside of a dark metal chamber which is filled with a 1' deep bath of water mixed with a half ton of epsom salt. The water bath is kept at a constant 93 degrees Fahrenheit to emulate the body's core temperature, to aid in isolating one self from bodily sensations.

The floatation spa owner was quite friendly and gave me the lowdown on what to expect. Participants must shower thoroughly before entering the pod, as the water did not get changed out frequently. You enter the pod fully naked except for ear plugs. She advised letting go, and spoke about how the ultimate goal was to enter a sleep-state where one experiences delta-wave brain activity. Some people who enter this state can also experience lucid dreaming. I was told that the experience was also quite conducive to creativity, and that often times artists and writers come to her spa specifically to get past blocks, and to feel inspired after their floatation session.

Unfortunately, I did not experience any of these altered mind-states. I did not find the tank to be isolating at all. I had some small abrasions on my skin, and like pouring salt into a wound, these abrasions kept feeling irritated while lying in the salt bath. Also, floating on top of water is really not that comfortable. My neck tended to overextend backwards, which was slightly uncomfortable. I was advised to lift my arms up to help counter this effect, but this position too got a bit uncomfortable. Also,  even though I do seated meditation off and on and readily get into states of relaxation and even bliss when doing so, I found it quite difficult to quiet my mind in the tank. By the end, the novelty had worn off and I was beginning to think it was torture to lie in that tank and keeping still while awake. However, once I got out of the tank, and commenced my after-bath shower, I finally noticed the impact of floating. I felt stoned. I was so relaxed, that I felt like I as floating on a cloud. As I sat on the sofa at the floatation spa afterwards, sipping my complimentary cup of tea, my head kept nodding off. I was also deeply inspired to be creative. I wanted to race home and work on writing my novel. I don't know if it was the floating itself that caused this frenzied creative state, or if it was just the novelty of the experience.

Anyways, I was told by the spa owner that floating does get better as one practice. It is rare for the first time practitioner to relax deeply enough to enter  that delta-wave state that floaters aspire to. Even though the experience was slightly disappointing, I would totally repeat it again, if just for the relaxed feeling and feeling of creativity that I got afterwards.

Open Your Eyes (Levi's Gran Fondo 2014)

At the starting line -- Levi's Gran Fondo

After coming back from Chicago last week, Mark and I made our way up north to Santa Rosa, California to ride in Levi's Gran Fondo, which is one of the largest charity bike rides in America, numbering at 6500+ people strong.  Mark rode the "Gran" route which is 100+ miles, and I rode the "Piccolo" route which is only 34 miles long.  The race is full of cycling luminaries, such as Levi Leipheimer, as well as Hollywood types, like Patrick Dempsey.  Even former San Francisco Giant, Barry Bonds rode this year.

Last year, I managed to ride the "Medio" bike race, which is 60 miles long and featured some epic hill climbs such as Coleman road.  This is made even more impressive given that I had not trained hardly at all, but was powered by only anger (regarding work related issues).  This year, I was feeling more sad and drained, than angry, and since my hamstrings were still a little sore from my Reformer Pilates class in Chicago, I decided to take it easy by going on the 34 mile ride.

I am by no means a bicycling enthusiast. The only time you will ever see my on my bicycle is for our annual Gran Fondo ride. Also, as mentioned earlier, I was feeling sad and drained from my trip to Chicago, so I was not looking forward to going on this trip. But I was really glad that I did. 

At Willi's Wine Bar - Delicious Goat Cheese Fritters with Lavender Honey 

During the bike ride itself, I had a nice conversation with some cyclists at the rest stop. I must have stood out a little. I was wearing my old-school white sneakers and cotton t-shirt amongst all the clip-on shoes and neon cycling jerseys. At the same time, I was bragging to all my fellow "Piccolo" riders that going up the more advanced Coleman Rd, as I had the previous year, was not all that bad.  After the race was over, a couple of the cyclists recognized me and said hello. 

In general, there was a feeling of kindness and love among the cyclists and all the event volunteers. When the whole group slowed down at the sight of a crawling baby, it nearly brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me that humankind is generally kind. 

There were also some pretty impressive musical acts at the festival sponsored by the race. During the "100 days" headlining act, I danced with a couple of pink-haired, tattooed girls at the front of the 0stage while all the tired cyclists looked on.  Noone joined us, even though the music was really great, and even after the singer implored the crowed to dance. Maybe everyone was too tired, or feeling too self-conscious.

I found out that the two gals were bonafide rock artists. They were part of the previous performing group, "Vela Girls", which I had missed. We conversed and they gave me a free record and t-shirt. Now I can add "rock groupie" to the list of things I have been. It goes to show, if you open yourself up opportunities and open your eyes, it can lead to interesting encounters.

Mark showcases his viticulture skills at the Francis Ford Coppola Winery in Guerneville

For dinner, we headed to Willi's Wine Bar, which was rated as one of the top restaurants in Santa Rosa by TripAdvisor. Touted as a tapas bar, Willi's Wine Bar features some of the most creative dishes I have ever tasted. You could tell the chef had a genuine interest in Chinese food. Many of the dishes really captured the flavors of authentic Chinese food. The Scallop dumplings with Sherry vinegar butter were sublime, as were the Pork belly crepes with Hoisin sauce.

The following day, we visited the Francis Ford Coppola Winery, which we had never visited before in all our years in the Bay Area. It is really beautiful, and featured an Old Hollywood style pool, down to the plush lounge chairs and private changing rooms. The pool is open to all visitors for a fee. I'll be sure to visit next time, it looked extremely glamorous.

Matching Gran Fondo t-shirts at the Francis Ford Coppola Winery 

The moral of this blog post is that life is full of wonder and people are generally good. Even when some days are sad and disappointing, keep your eyes open and life can really sparkle. 

How to Destress

When I start to get an involuntary twitch in my face, I know that I am overly stressed, and I need to separate myself as far from the human race as possible.  In the past couple of weeks, my facial tic has started to recur, even though I haven't had it in a couple of years.  I can't quite place what is happening in my life to cause this.  Sure, I am dealing with difficult people at work; there is someone very angry and toxic that I am currently dealing with. Just having my cube sit kitty-corner from his has been stressful. All day, I listen to him complain, hit his keyboard in frustration, and deride everything and everyone.  I honestly don't know how some of the other people around me can stand him.  What's worse, he's in charge of fixturing one of my mechanical designs and can't seem to make it work properly.  Therefore, he blames my design instead of looking at his own work to fix the issue.  Even the most senior people make suggestions, and he refuses to follow through on those suggestions.  Whenever I try and make a suggestion, he rolls his eyes at me and looks at me like I'm the dumbest person on earth.

I also have a small elderly parent issue that is contributing to my anxiety. Sure, I don't have to be financially responsible over my parent or be a care-taker.  But I do have to be emotionally supportive as she goes through double hip-replacement surgery. And then, there's an underlying financial problem that my parent is having in her semi-retirement, which shouldn't ever happen when you are about to retire. It's a lot for my delicate nerves to handle. And I actually got into a public screaming match during this time that I should never have undergone had I been more mentally stable.  

We are also working on a bathroom and kitchen renovation at the same time. Yesterday, I spent a good 3-4 hours trying to cut kitchen cabinet doors on a very intimidating CNC router on a very expensive $300 piece of hardwood.  Unfortunately, this very dangerous and scary piece of equipment broke, and had to be taken down for a few days for repairs.  Thank goodness the wood is still intact. But it was enough to ruin a few hours of my day.  Bless Mark, my husband, for sitting very patiently next to me this entire time.

Anyways, I am dedicating my day off to relax as much as possible.  I am on the look out for ideas for how to de-stress beyond the normal: "get a pedicure" solutions.  Here are some ideas I might want to try to help me recover from eye-twitch inducing stress.

1. Eat lots of ice cream, buffalo wings, whatever comfort food you can think of.

2. Watch a fashion documentary in bed, preferably with the lights off -- Yesterday, I rented "Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorf's" and watched it in bed in the dark on my iPad.  I felt sort of like in a womb while watching it.

3. Read self-help books and articles.  If you haven't heard of Martha Beck, you should totally look her up. She's a Harvard trained life-coach and is also a regular columnist in Oprah magazine. Not only is she sharp, but she is super insightful, and funny to boot. Also, I enjoy her spiritual almost "magical" beliefs about how life works.  I am such a sucker for her form of new age spirituality!  

4. Get away from the TV-blaring husband.  I have found out that I really need silence sometimes to get any inner calm.  Even if daily meditation practice is beyond my reach at times, just being able to sit and read in silence can really do my frazzled brain some good. Reminder to self: must get some Bluetooth enabled noise-cancelling head phones.

5. Eat lots of kale and spinach. This is in direct conflict with item #1 above, but apparently these veggies contains folate, which is good for cognitive repair.  

6. Roll on a foam roller, or invert.  Unlike yoga, these are almost effort free ways to work out knots and stretch. To passively invert, I like to sit on our sofa with my feet up, and my head and arms hanging over the edge of the seat. This backwards bend is pretty intense, the subsequent neck cracking that I get from this inversion is delicious.  

Anyways, I'm still thinking of more creative ways to decompress.  Surely writing this blog post has been one great way to de-stress.

How Self-Compassionate are you?

I have been reading a lot about self-compassion lately.  In this competitive world, it pays to love oneself. We have too much criticism and stress leveled at ourselves from external factors to NOT be compassionate with ourselves.  I found this self-compassion quiz that I took to score myself in self-compassion.

Below are my own scores for self-compassion on a scale of 1 to 5.  At my score of 2.01, I am considered to be low in self-compassion. High scores in self-judgement, isolation and over-identification contribute to my low score.  It's obvious what self-judgement means. I am pretty certain what "isolation" means in context of this self-compassion test - it means how alone one feels in their own suffering.  But I am not sure of what over-identification means. Perhaps it means how correlated one's sense of self is with one's failings.

Self-kindness: 1.8

Self-judgement: 4.0

Common humanity: 1.5

Isolation: 4.0

Mindfulness: 3.25

Overidentification: 3.5

Overall score: 2.01

I also found this self-compassion exercise on the same website where I found the quiz.  Here are my responses to its' questions:

What types of things do you typically judge and criticize yourself for (appearance, career, relationships, parenting, etc.)?

I usually judge myself for my career. I always feel like I am so old, yet not very far in my career. I haven't climbed the corporate ladder very far, despite being intelligent, and hardworking. Sometimes, I feel insecure about not getting enough accomplished, and I tell myself that I am lazy, or lacking in common sense or smarts. Sometimes, I feel critical of myself for saying the wrong thing or having poor social skills.  I suppose that other people criticize themselves for other things, like their appearance, or their parenting.  I don't usually feel this way and even think that appearance concerns are rather superficial. The fact that I can trivialize other peoples' insecurities puts my own insecurities in perspective. Perhaps my insecurities are shallow and inconsequential, or at least smaller than I think they are.

What type of language do you use with yourself when you notice some flaw or make a mistake (do you insult yourself, or do you take a more kind and understanding tone)?

I tend to think that I am all alone in being the failure that I am. I tend to tell myself that everyone else is so perfect, and are so much more successful than I am. I tend to ask why I am always the victim of hardship, and why does this always have to happen to me. The tone of voice that I use with myself is frustration, disappointment and disgust with myself. I want to ask myself: "why can't you be better? Why am I such a loser?"

When you are being highly self-critical, how does this make you feel inside?

Obviously, I feel terrible. I get a knot in my abdomen, and I feel like my legs and arms are numb. I feel depressed, and I can't sleep or eat. I can't appreciate the beauty that I see, or the flavor of the food that I eat. Being self-critical makes me feel sad, depressed, hopeless. I feel so hopeless sometimes that I don't see a point in living.

When you notice something about yourself you don’t like, do you tend to feel cut off from others, or do you feel connected with your fellow humans who are also imperfect?

I tend to feel very isolated from others. I tend to think that everyone else is perfect and have never suffered as I have. I tend to feel more alone and uniquely a failure in whatever I am suffering at that moment.

What are the consequences of being so hard on yourself? Does it make you more motivated and happy, or discouraged and depressed?

I tend to feel discouraged and unmotivated. It is easy to imagine, that I might be more effective at turning things around had I been less hard on myself.

How do you think you would feel if you could truly love and accept yourself exactly as you are? Does this possibility scare you, give you hope, or both?

I think it would feel absolutely liberating to truly love myself as I am. It gives me hope. I think it would be easy, too! I just need to remind myself when I am down on myself to love myself no matter what, and to be kind to myself. I think the next time I am depressed or down on myself, it would be good to remind that the core of my being is not reflected by the sum of my accomplishments, but is deeper than that and is rather disembodied from my accomplishments, appearance, even my personality, likes and dislikes..

How do you treat yourself when you run into challenges in your life? Do you tend to ignore the fact that you’re suffering and focus exclusively on fixing the problem, or do you stop to give yourself care and comfort? 

When I am confronted with life's difficulties, I tend to be kind to myself. I get hugs from my husband, I take naps, and read. I do things that I know will help me feel better about myself, like exercise, cooking, or housework, and avoid things that I know will make me feel terrible: like video games, or something indulgent like shopping. But I do also try to solve my problems.  I usually have a plan of action in a few days.

Do you tend to get carried away by the drama of the situation, so that you make a bigger deal out of it than you need to, or do you tend to keep things in balanced perspective?

I try to keep a balanced perspective. But I also tend to see the worst. I know that my tendency to see the worst will not help me because we tend to manifest what we expect in our heads. I try to think that my suffering is insignificant compared to what is happening in the country, in the world - that the universe is so much bigger than my own woes..

Do you tend to feel cut off from others when things go wrong, with the irrational feeling that everyone else is having a better time of it then you, or do you get in touch with the fact that all humans experience hardship in their lives?

When I suffer, I get the feeling that everyone else is far more successful, and happier than I am. As I want to become more self-compassionate, I need to remind mself that all human beings have hardship in their lives. Any watcher of TV will see every day people suffering in far more dramatic ways than I am. Take for example any competition reality TV show like "America's Top Model" or "So You Think You Can Dance" and you will see all sorts of suffering from failure.

2013 Resolutions

1) Stability, stability, stability.

This past year has been one of the worst years of my life. As the new year begins, I look back on the grief and trauma I've experienced in the past year, and I feel sad. I look towards the new year, and sadly, I don't feel entirely hopeful. I feel even a little fearful of what grief my mind has convinced awaits me .

I would never think I would say this, but all I really want this year is stability. I don't want anything to happen to me. I just want to be tender with myself. I don't want to stand out, I just want to blend in and not make a fool of myself.

A hobbit hole is where I'd like to stay for the rest of the year

2) Make physical health a priority, especially to counter aging.

While training for my backpacking trip through Yosemite, I gained about 10 lbs, and couldn't fit into even my newest pair of jeans. I am going to take time out of my day to work out, even if it means a 2 hour lunch once a week.

3) Make more financial investments

Instead of just saying, be better with finances like I usually do every year, I am going to try and be more specific. It's time to begin nurturing my stock investments with more seriousness. The short term goal for these investments would be to finance a new kitchen renovation, (see below). The longer term goal for these investments would be to finance a new home (see below).

New Modern Kitchen

New Modern Home

4) Cultivate objectivity

I've been told that I tend to see things in black or white. I've not been able to recognize this in myself all the time, but this is what I have been told. I recently spent a significant portion of time with someone, however, who saw things very black or white, and it dawned on me what my own black and white thinking was like, and the harm it was doing to me, as well as those around me. Everything that we saw on TV with this person brought out a judgement, usually negative. Watching TV brought out a never-ending monologue of extreme opinions on all matters. For example, the recent rape case in India brought on a diatribe on all Indian people. Not only was her over-generalization unjust, but it was just a real grind to have to listen to. Not only can black and white thinking be directed towards others, it can often times be directed to oneself. For example:

If things aren't "perfect," then they must be "horrible." If your child isn't "brilliant" then he must be "stupid." If you're not "fascinating" then you must be "boring."  

This is the type of thinking that I tend to gravitate towards, and I can see how exhausting and how hurtful to myself this can be. So this year, I want to recognize my tendency to generalize things as either good or bad, black or white, and begin to see things as they are.

My "go-to" list of things to do to feel better when you're down

Here's my "go-to" list of things I can do when I want to feel better.  We all feel down on occasion.  It's a powerful tool to have as many as 27 things to fall back on when I need a quick pick me up.

1. Go for a walk outside.

2. Talk to a sympathetic friend.

3. Do a task you have been procrastinating doing.

4. Sit in the sun.

5. Reach out to someone you've been meaning to contact, but haven't.

6. Think grateful thoughts.

7. Breathe deeply.

8. Exercise.

9. Take a shower.

10. Write down your thoughts.

11. Plan for the future, especially travel planning.

12. Read a motivational book.

13. Smile and beam positivity.

14. Relax my muscles through stretching or massage.

15. Enjoy my husband's company.

16. Call Mom.

17. Receiving encouragement.

18. Think of things you've defeated in the past through great effort.

19. Brainstorming new business ideas.

20. Get excited about a new idea or project.

21. Dancing to good music.

22. Seeing someone else suffering, and feeling not so alone in despair.

23. Cooking.

24. Writing and blogging.

25. Laughing really loudly.

26. Appreciating something beautiful, and appreciating that you can.

27. Being vulnerable in front of those you love.

Some more ways to feel better:

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-to-instantly-feel-better-when-you-are-depressed.html

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0NAH/is_4_32/ai_85174714/

http://imperfectspirituality.com/2011/04/13/five-ways-to-feel-better-fast/

Simple ways to become instantly happier

Once again, deadlines loom on the home front, and at work.  Once again, I have a million and one things to blog about rather than tackling these more important tasks:  One of the things on my mind these days are things that make me happy.  There
things that give me lasting happiness, and there are things that are like a quick shot in the arm.

Here are some of the things that are like a quick shot in the arm:
(1) A fresh coat of lipstick.  This is spoken from someone, who until very recently, hadn't worn a smidgen of makeup in her life.  But in my 30s I have discovered the joy of smearing on a coat of lipstick or lip gloss or two.
(2) Appreciate a friend out loud when you genuinely mean it. There is nothing that makes me more happy than paying a compliment or showing genuine thanks.  But be aware: paying a cheap compliment that you don't mean can have the opposite effect.
(3) Being out in the sun, on a really nice day. Like today, at this very moment, writing this blog in the dappled shade of an outdoor cafe.
(4) Wear a cute outfit and rock it all day.
(5) Laughing really loudly. It's so euphoric.
(6) Do not underestimate the power of skin moisturizer to keep you feeling soft and pampered all day.  This is from someone who has alligator skin, and for whom putting on moisturizer is like an epiphany.
(7) Relaxed and pleasant conversation over a meal. I hardly ever turn down an opportunity to go out for lunch  to have a nice discussion, even with stressful work looming.
(8) Eating food when hungry. Not to be underestimated.
(9) Drinking coffee. Caffeine makes me feel smarter, and more engaged in life.


And here are some deeper ways to be happier for longer periods of time:

(1) Bearing yourself gracefully and taking the high road in difficult situations.
(2) In the same sense as the previous, forgiving a friend with whom you've had a tiff. Often times, when you can't stand someone, you're looking at yourself in the mirror, and there is something that bothers you about yourself. If you can recognize that, and forgive yourself and the other person, it's like a huge load has lifted off my shoulders.  This has happened to me several times. Life is too short to bear a grudge or to hate people for a long period of time. Turn it around as quickly as possible, and you will be incredibly proud of yourself.
(3) Loving people deeply. You don't need to be family. You don't even need to know the people very well, or have had them in your lives for a long time.  But recognize that you can instantly love people and care for them.
(4) Take a class on happiness. Sometimes it's not enough to bumble around on one's own, figuring out what works and what doesn't work in this game of life.  Sometimes, it is necessary to take a class. For example I'm still reaping the benefits of what I learned in my Mindfulness Meditation retreat that I took at the Esalen institute a few years ago.  I'm still grokking how it feels to practice equanimity, and what it means to cultivate "loving-kindness" (metta bhavana). You can read more about my mindfulness retreat here.
(5) Risk and constantly face your fears. One of the main things I learned with my life coach was the concept of "being comfortable with being uncomfortable". The key is to to risk feeling uncomfortable many days of the week, and to risk so much, that you feel like you could die, once a week. I am following this, and this has been extremely rewarding to my life. I never thought I was a coward, but it is good to be reminded of when one is in a rut.