I'm back...

Sorry, it's been so long since I've written in this blog. I have been on a sort of break. Well, in summary, I got laid off, got hired by another company in the following month, and well, it was a lot of change all at once. I didn't feel like blogging, or doing anything creative for that matter. I just wanted to sit, and take things in, let myself adapt to my new job for a while.

I told everyone that I was going to sit and do nothing until I got bored, which for people who have known me in recent years, is unusual behavior, since having adventures has been my goal in my late 20s and early 30s. However, when viewed in context of my entire life, being a boring coach potato is not so unusual. I have had years strung together where I didn't travel, didn't create anything, didn't feel passionate about anything at all. In the past 6 months, that has been what I have been feeling (or not feeling). I didn't feel particularly fond about anything, or excited to do anything in particular. I anesthetized myself by surfing the internet, playing video games (more on this at some poinjt), going to the gym.

Just a little more insight into my mental journey: being laid off is not fun. As much as I claimed that my self-esteem was unperturbed, being laid off is traumatizing. I wish I hadn't wasted my time at the company. I was miserable at the place, and was a fish out of water. However, I also realized how much more I needed to learn and improve, and I did learn and improve in some ways.

On the other hand, joining my new company has been a good/strenous experience. Within my first week at my new company, I felt like I had been there forever. I fit right in with my coworkers, and was back to doing the type of work I like, challenging medical device design. However, I felt like bursting into tears each week, and did. Because I was contract-to-hire, and the manager was inscrutable, I felt like I was walking on eggshells, which is not a good feeling coming off of a layoff, after which you are not feeling good about yourself anyway. The emotional stress of being a contractor was enough to lay me low for a while.

Fortunately, I was hired to full-time status recently. With the full-time hire, has come a subtle change in my work attitude. I have been working non-stop -- (is it to impress my boss? because I care that much?) I just haven't had time to have a life outside of work.

Finally, lately I've been experiencing a subtle spiritual shift. Part of this shift has been: instead of always seeking/achieving, maybe I should just enjoy life. My mantra these days is "to be in the moment", because maybe that is all there really is to life. (I don't want to always be yearning and find that I missed out on being happy.) Well, I'm a little sick of "being in my moment." What I am trying to figure out is how to strike a balance between enjoying my mundane coach potato life, and actually engaging with life. How to enjoy day to day existence yet, being passionate again, meeting new and interesting people and having interesting adventures.