A Story For When I Feel Pessimistic

There’s a lot in the world to be pessimistic about right now. When Trump was elected, I screamed inside. I didn’t know what kind of country I was going to wake up to the following morning. The country was so vehemently sexist and so full of hatred and anger, that they voted for a malignant, racist, narcissist over arguably the most qualified presidential candidate to ever exist in the history of our country. Now that the mid-term elections are nearing, my mood is in a word: pessimistic. Because of gerrymandering, and because half the country is under the thrall of conservative state TV (Fox), and because terrorist acts perpetrated by violent white men have happened in recent days, I have doubts that normal democratic processes will actually endure this coming election day. 

But something happened to me today that actually had me sobbing in my car on my way home, and sobbing even as I write these words. My V.P. of Engineering is hands down one of the most brilliant people I’ve ever met. Because he is getting on in years, I am sometimes the repository of his pearls of wisdom. He said something that was so prescient today, that I felt like I could, just for a moment, glimpse past the micro-problems of our day, and it had me gasping.

ICBMs (intercontinental ballistic missiles) are responsible for delivering nuclear warheads. After the rocket fuel is exhausted, the ICBM is essentially radio silent. If it isn’t radio silent than foreign enemies can hack into it and possibly jam it. If the rocket is essentially dumb/unhackable and radio silent, than how possibly can it reach it’s destination, and within feet of it? 

They launched test missiles from Edwards Air Force Base in California into the middle of the Pacific Ocean, using only simple Newtonian physics to drive them, but the missiles they launched did not reach their goal. When they relaunched the same missile after tweaking what they thought was a faulty rocket motor, the same result happened. Then some smart person realized they needed to do more than use simple idealized trajectories. The missiles had been pulled off course by tiny changes in gravity during flyover. 

So this is how we solved it. We MAPPED the earth’s gravitational disturbances. We launched a fleet of satellites and tracked their speeds and altitudes as they orbited the Earth. The extra gravitation pull from a mountain range, we logged it. The placid pull from the oceans, we mapped it. Even the minute fluctuations of the ground water, we recorded. Any ICBM that will ever be launched will be launched with a single set of mathematical coordinates. Without ever having any sensorial input on where it is in space, it will reach its target, having taken into account every ditch, hill, stream it will have passed. This might be the first and last time a gargantuan feat of science and engineering had me so awestruck, that I literally trembled in my socks.

This is WHY North Korea will be decades away from launching an accurate nuclear warhead on an ICBM, if they ever will. This is WHY we will eventually reverse global warming. This is why, even though our White House and Congress, and perhaps even our Supreme Court, is full of nincompoops, we will eventually come out on top.

The technical brilliance within our country is astounding. The technical talent is so deep, that even now it is not fully realized.

The depth and magnitude of our labor resources is breathtaking. 

We WILL pull through this. If not in this election cycle, then the next, or a couple of decades from now. Our country, even our planet, might be under threat, but we WILL meet this challenge. The next time I am feeling pessimistic about my country, or the world even, I should look back on this moment when I was awestruck.

My "go-to" list of things to do to feel better when you're down

Here's my "go-to" list of things I can do when I want to feel better.  We all feel down on occasion.  It's a powerful tool to have as many as 27 things to fall back on when I need a quick pick me up.

1. Go for a walk outside.

2. Talk to a sympathetic friend.

3. Do a task you have been procrastinating doing.

4. Sit in the sun.

5. Reach out to someone you've been meaning to contact, but haven't.

6. Think grateful thoughts.

7. Breathe deeply.

8. Exercise.

9. Take a shower.

10. Write down your thoughts.

11. Plan for the future, especially travel planning.

12. Read a motivational book.

13. Smile and beam positivity.

14. Relax my muscles through stretching or massage.

15. Enjoy my husband's company.

16. Call Mom.

17. Receiving encouragement.

18. Think of things you've defeated in the past through great effort.

19. Brainstorming new business ideas.

20. Get excited about a new idea or project.

21. Dancing to good music.

22. Seeing someone else suffering, and feeling not so alone in despair.

23. Cooking.

24. Writing and blogging.

25. Laughing really loudly.

26. Appreciating something beautiful, and appreciating that you can.

27. Being vulnerable in front of those you love.

Some more ways to feel better:

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-to-instantly-feel-better-when-you-are-depressed.html

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0NAH/is_4_32/ai_85174714/

http://imperfectspirituality.com/2011/04/13/five-ways-to-feel-better-fast/

2010 New Year Resolutions, and Results

I cannot believe another year has blown by.  After reading over my 2010 New Year's Resolutions, it feels like I had just wrote them yesterday.  Here are my 2010 New Year Resolutions and associated results:

1. Watch less TV, play less video games, surf the internet less. Generally, get my butt off the sofa more.
No, Yes, Yes, Somewhat.  I think I was successful in playing less video games.  When you go home at lunch to play video games, like I did in 2009, it is a very clear indication that you are playing too many video games.  This did not happen this year.  (However, as a side note, I did obtain a wireless headset to communicate with my coworker while playing Call of Duty Black Ops, so I haven't given up games altogether.) I am continuing to watch a lot of TV indirectly due to Mark's excessive TV watching, but overall I think I did better than before. Verdict: Fair.

2. Stretch my lower back and shoulder more. These spots are giving me grief.
I did a very good job in this department.  The tension is not completely gone, and will come back in force in times of stress, but I am constantly stretching these neck and lower back, without even thinking about it. Verdict: Good.

3. Continue to make exercise a habit.
Exercise this year was up and down.  My gym closed down, but I continued to do P90X videos on my own.  I got to the point of being able to do weird feats of strength, like doing 30 push ups in a row, or going from the "crane" position (a yoga balance move) and jumping into plank.  Then, I discovered that simply eating less (1450 calories a day) was a more efficient way to lose weight than exercising a lot, so I began to limit exercise to once a week.  Now I'm trying to renew my exercise habit after my experiment resulted in me getting too flabby.  Verdict: Fair.

4. Begin to think about what it means to grow older and come to terms with it. These are one of the things I fear the most -- getting older, and being perceived as old. Thank goodness I don't look any age at all with my asian face.
Ha ha.  I don't think I made any progress at all in this department. I'm embarassed to say, I still feel like I am in my 20s mentally speaking.  Verdict: Poor.

5. Continue with my spiritual and psychological development.
I am working very hard in this department.  In August, I hired a personal life coach, and I have been working with her biweekly ever since.  This deserves it's own little blog post, but to summarize, I have been making a lot of progress.  Verdict: Good.

6. Take better care of my skin.
I have also been making significant progress with my skin.  I discovered several important skin-care habits: (1) I apply Atralin, a tretinoin-based acne medication, on my face every night.  The tretinoin is great for treating adult acne, but I also receive the side-benefit of having younger looking skin, as tretinoin encourages the turnover of skin.  As a result, my skin looks clearer and more youthful than it has in years. (2) My second habit is to moisturize my face every day (Aveeno facial soy based moisturizer).  The Aveeno moisturizer that I use does not irritate my skin, and it helps keep my oil production down.  It also has the side benefit of evening out my skin tone.  (3) Less significantly, I am appreciating the benefits of blotting.  Rather than washing and drying out my skin, I regularly blot my face with toilet paper, which has the added benefit of leaving my makeup intact, in addition to removing shine. Verdict: Excellent.

7. Do new things. Plan more events with friends.
So this year I wasn't a complete couch potato.  I ended up organizing several events, including a ski trip, a Halloween party, hiking outings, dive outings and dinner parties.  This coming year promises to unveil more creative events.  Verdict: Good.

8. Dare I say it? Travel more? Will it happen with my dwindled finances and few vacation days?
I definitely got to travel a decent amount this year.  I travelled to Indianapolis for work (better than nothing), and I also got to travel to Zion National Park and to Fiji for my honeymoon.  I will try to write more about Zion at a later date, but to read up on my honeymoon, go here. Verdict: Good.

9. Continue to acquire a stylish wardrobe!
This year saw a resurgence in my fascination for fashion.  I love the jeggings, ankle boots and blousy silhouettes that have become trendy this year.  My conclusion is that you don't have to spend a lot to look fashionable.  You just need good taste.  Verdict: Excellent.

10. Survive work in 2010 with my sanity intact, which promises to be the make or break year.
This year was pretty good as far as work is concerned. I wished I had done more, but I shattered a couple of boundaries that I had previously.  My boss getting fired helped a lot! He was holding me back, as well as the rest of the company, which was why he got fired in the first place.  Verdict: Good.

More detail later...

Thanksgiving 2009 Time Capsule

This Thanksgiving has been good. I suspect it will look better in retrospect. Vacations always look rosier when viewed back with nostalgia. Despite things not going as planned this past Thanksgiving, we nonetheless had a good time.

This year, we decided to go scuba diving in Monterey. We hadn't gone diving in a year, and so it was time consuming and laborious as we packed our musty scuba gear. Once we got to Monterey, however, there was a storm advisory. We decided it wasn't smart to go diving, particularly when surfers were actually surfing where we were supposed to dive.

Disappointed, we decided to explore. We discovered things we wouldn't normally see had we gone diving . We discovered the scenic walk between downtown Carmel, and Carmel River State Beach. I highly recommend this stroll along Scenic Rd, Carmel. It is here that you will find gorgeous gingerbread houses overlooking the beautiful Pacific Ocean. Less pretentious than 17 mile Drive, the natural scenery along Scenic Road is more memorable, and you don't have to pay to enter to boot. Along this path, we found the famous, Butterfly House (see above). This iconic house went on sale for $20 Million in 2007. It is also the site of a very good, and pristine shore dive, when the conditions are right. At one point, Bay Area scuba divers mused over pooling our money and buying it for ourselves. But a Washington Real Estate developer eventually bought the gem for $10 Million. I hope he doesn't mind seeing scuba divers prance around in front of his panoramic views of the ocean on occasion.

On another day, we rode a tandem bike along 17 Mile Drive. The rain pounded us at times, but Mark and I had a wonderful time synchronizing our pedal strokes as we hammered up some hills and glid past enormous chateaux. Beating the rain as we raced back to the bike shop was my favorite moment on this bike trip. Mark professed not to feel taxed at all, but both of us were covered in sweat when we were done.
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Being that it is Thanksgiving, and not just a time to go on trips, it is also time to be grateful. I recently saw a PBS special on the Dust Bowl. Thank goodness I did not go through the hardship that broke so many farmers during this era. It is not always easy to feel grateful, but I am grateful that I do not have to worry about where I am getting my next meal, the shame of accepting government aid, or the fate of my land without rain.

Here is a short list of other things I am grateful for:

(1) Our house

I am grateful that our house hasn't severely depreciated in this recession. I am grateful that we can enjoy our little fireplace, relax in front of the TV and feel contented in the cozy and stylish little nest we have created for ourselves. All those weeks and months of painting and stressing has paid off. We recently refinanced, and were able to get rid of our second loan, as well as lowering our mortgage payments. Our house is small, but it is perfect for our needs.

(2) My husband

I am grateful that I found someone who always has a bright smiling face to light up my day, and who can always make me laugh out loud every day. My husband is also realistic and responsible, qualities which I don't always demonstrate. If it weren't for him, I wonder if we would still be in the process of refinancing our house, instead of being done already.

(3) My job

My job is challenging, and creative. That is all that I ever ask for. When I first started, I thought I was going to do some more hand-held plastic enclosure design. Right away, however, I started design on some battery contacts, which for the type of batteries I am working with, is not a trivial task. Lately, I have expanded into the crucial interface areas. The project I work on is practically Space-Shuttle-esque in its complexity. It has countless parts, 3 tiny motors, and three complex subsystems with their own multi-person teams. I am working on the mechanical interfaces between these subsystems, and I am so grateful to have this opportunity.

Gratitude

Today, I am grateful for:

(1) Leading a good discussion at work today. Brought everyone on the same page.
(2) Having good, stimulating conversations.
(3) Making progress on painting the master bedroom. It feels good to have a project. Also, sleeping on the mattress in the living room is like having an extended sleepover party.

Gratitude Journal

I am trying to write everyday what I am grateful for. Today, I am grateful for:

(1) Today, I had a challenge that will test my wisdom and self-awareness. I am grateful to catch early on some negative seeds being planted regarding my attitude at my new work place. I will not let these negative seeds take root.
(2) The delicious homemade tangerine, blueberry and pomegranate smoothie that I made this evening. Pure antioxidants at work. I think I am going to make a healthy smoothie once or twice a week after we work out.
(3) Learnings I gained at work today that I was excited about.
(4) Moments of stillness that I had while jogging. I could smell jasmine in the air.
(5) Meaningful conversations I had with coworkers.
(6) The fact that I love my work, which is essentially designing.
(7) A kind of a humorous moment. I had a huge blueberry stain on my face from the smoothie I was drinking, and my husband didn't notice because he was too busy watching TV. Someday, I am going to where ketchup on my nose to see if he notices.

Gratitude Journal

Today, I am grateful:

(1) That we are doing such a good job saving money on food. We are cooking up a storm and eating up the leftovers. Today's leftovers: Greek Orzo salad, and homemade red Thai curry (not necessarily together).
(2) For learning a good lesson yesterday. I learned that I can be very harsh towards people who I assume are not curious about the world. I have already been trying not to be judgemental towards ignorant, or stupid people. But I should try to be open-minded on a whole different scale than I have previously; I should be patient and compassionate for sheltered, blindered people who don't want to perceive the view outside their own windows!
(3) For getting kudos for an engineering project of my own volition. In order to portray that an alternative was possible, I thought it best to show people a prototype. So, I spent the morning in the machine shop, snipping, drilling and gluing and came up with a prototype that surprised people with its simplicity and directness. Although the solution that I came up with doesn't work, I hope that it inspires other creative ideas.

This morning, I am grateful for

• People who love me despite my flaws
• Being tough enough to look at myself and gain insight into how I create bad situations for myself
• Experiencing the pure clean morning air in the warmth of my fuzzy sweatpants and sweatshirt
• Having a partner who helps me grow better as an individual
• Being wiser and more temperate than I used to be

2008 Year in Review

From a very early age, I have asked myself: "How can I make something of my life?" This question has given me much angst in my life (as I am sure it has for others), so much so that I have spent many nights staring up at the ceiling, and have resorted to such measures as going to meditation retreats and such. I think this past year, I have mellowed out. Or is it that I have all but given up?

When I was little, I had such high hopes. I wanted to be so many different things. The occupations that I always came back to were the following:

(1) Marine biologist

(2) Archaeologist

(3) Architect for building in outer space or underwater

(4) Paleontologist

(My mother claims that after watching dance shows at Radio City Music Hall in New York City at age 7, that I wanted to be a Rockette. But I don't ever remember having such an ambition. I do remember practicing the can-can endlessly, however.)

So where does this leave me now? And realistically will it ever change?

I am a mechanical design engineer. I have always worked in creative, even artistic environments. At my current place of work, my design interests are encouraged to expand into interior design/Christmas card design/web design. The engineering projects are challenging, interesting and always different.

It seems as though my early interest in science (see occupations #1, 2 and 4 above) has found satisfaction later in life, albeit in the engineering field. And some how, my early proclivity towards creativity and designing (see occupation #3 above) has also found an outlet, in the design of plastic injection molded parts and creation of new products.

So what's wrong? I should be grateful. Exactly.

It there is something to tweak in my career it would be to lean more towards projects that benefit the environment or people in some way. Ideally, I would like to work on alternative energy projects, and underwater robotics. I am pretty sure this can be achieved if I put my mind to it. But what I am working on now ain't half bad. The majority of my projects have been medical devices designed to save lives, if not improve life drastically. And just recently, I have been working on consumer products, which I have never worked on before, and also complex mechanisms that I have never witnessed before.

What pained me the most in previous years was feeling a lack of recognition and feeling unfairly treated. But this past year, I started to lose the bitterness: (1) life is unfair sometimes, (2) get over yourself as quickly as possible, (3) my true aim is to help the world, (4) feel gratitude.

Which leads me to all of the things that I should be grateful for, but that are so easy for me to overlook:

This year I got married after many months in 2008 of planning. Many people approached me and stated they had a great time. Admittedly, the wedding was imaginative and different, featuring an underwater wedding ceremony, beach barbeques, relaxed dress code and setting, and an island atmosphere. I enjoyed it too, despite being a bit stressed. I can't wait until someone else has a destination wedding, so that I can completely relax and enjoy. In retrospect, I would have rather saved the money that was spent towards the wedding, but many years from now, I can look back on the memories fondly, as I look back on my friends' weddings fondly. Also, married life is good. If there is something that I am grateful for it is that.

Also, this past year was a great year for friendships. I feel surrounded and supported by good friends. In some cases, friendships were revived after a few years of coldness. In other cases friendships persist in spite of distances. And old friendships continue to comfort. With family, too, relationships are strengthening, and I hope they continue to strengthen. Perhaps this is a sign that I am wisening up. If I continue to show the warmth that is inside my heart to others, and if I try to demonstrate tolerance, and care for others, I think this trend will continue to move forward instead of backwards. A warm gesture on a daily basis can certainly make someone else's day just a little brighter, and my own too.

This leads me to discuss the new year's resolutions. As I mentioned before, I want to "get over myself as quickly as possible", i.e. develop my emotional resilience. There are studies that show that happier people get over breakups faster than naturally depressed people. People who can get over flashes of anger faster, are better adjusted than those who cannot (read "Social Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman if you want to learn more). Emotional resilience is not something that I have in abundance. Also, it would be a fun little project for me to work on. If I ever feel pissed off, I can tell myself to get over it as part of my own self development.

Other things that I want to work on:

(1) increase tolerance and minimize judgement of others

(2) listen to my gut

(3) care for others and focus less on myself

(4) be better with finances

(5) be more eloquent

(6) exercise my brain on occasion, maybe know world affairs

(7) continue to write on a frequent basis

Well, that's it for now. What are your new year's resolutions?

Gratefulness Journal, 2/Mar/2008

Tomorrow will be my last day of work. Everything that I am living through is being seen through that prism. In a way, everything seems more vivid. Today, I was grateful for:

(1) Almost falling asleep during the meditation section in yoga today.

(2) I enjoyed the sunshine beaming down on me as I motored around in my Mini Cooper with the top down. You can't beat the weather in California, given that it is still winter. (Gee, I do appreciate my car a lot, since I've already mentioned it in another Gratefulness Journal.)

(3) I struck up a nice conversation with a stranger while studying at Coupa Caffe in Palo Alto. This stranger looked really familiar to me. Turns out he was a former coworker who I had attended kickboxing class with. He is at an even more dramatic cross road than I am. He is leaving his job of 7 years to go back to learn architecture.

(4) I had a very nice conversation with Hila on the phone. I was able to tell her honestly how sad I was to leave her behind.

(5) Sitting down at this small, French style creperie for the first time, I discovered that Bistro Maxine, in downtown Palo Alto has good french style lattes. They also serve Barefoot Coffee Roasters coffee, which is consdered to be some of the best in the bay area.

(6) Despite being much much older than the Stanford students surrounding me, I was able to blend in with the crowd quite well. Perhaps, I can consider myself to be one of the "hip" crowd.

Gratefulness Journal, 28/Feb/08

Today, I gave my 2 week notice at work and am about to embark on a new phase in my life! This has led me to musings of what I am grateful for today.

(1) I am grateful for handling this entire work resignation with the utmost maturity and smarts.

(2) I am grateful for having my best interests at heart, and listening to my gut when I realized that it was time to leave my place of occupation.

(3) I am grateful for the bravery and self-confidence I've displayed recently. I am still looking out for my best interests, even with an offer in the bag. The direction that my life is about to take is at stake, and I need to make the right decisions. If this means making bold decisions, so be it.

(4) I have just recently learned that I am more outwardly impressive than what I think of myself. For the number of years of experience that I have, I doubt very many others have as many successful products under their belt, for the amount of money paid. I should keep this in mind the next time I am feeling down about my abilities.

(5) I am grateful for the 2.5 weeks (almost weeks!) that I have off between jobs.

Gratefulness Journal, 25/Feb/08

I am keeping a gratefulness journal, because sometimes, I gotta stop and smell the roses.

Today, I am grateful that:

(1) I get to laugh at, and with, my fiance... almost like clockwork every morning when I awake, and every evening after work.

(2) Today was a glorious, sunny day. I was even sweating a little in my t-shirt dress.

(3) I am grateful for the chirpiness of my yoga instructor today during yoga class.

(4) That life is not boring, and is actually a bit stressful lately.

(5) That I am appreciated at work enough to land an interesting project.

(6) I love my Mini Cooper convertible, and the reaction that it received today on the street, with my CD player at full blast.

(7) I had a couple of cups of really good unsweetened Chai tea at the yoga studio.