20 Goals for 2019

I know the year is already half over, but here are my goals for 2019 (this was not finished earlier as my goals kept changing). 

Social Goals

1. Be observant (of other humans)

Stop thinking about myself and observe what others are feeling.

2. Overlook rudeness, and reframe as much as possible.

I learned this from an interview with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  I've noticed that I tend to misinterpret situations more than 50% of the time. I need to remind myself that, more often than not, people don’t mean to hurt me.  As a clueless engineer working among possibly even more clueless engineers, I should realize I'm bumping up against low EQ (emotional intelligence) rather than malicious intent.

3. Control my anger

Or channel the anger in a skilled way. Try centering myself in the midst of an anger inducing situation, and channeling the anger into making a “boundary” and focussing it in my responses.

4. Get rejected at least once a week 

Rejection is my biggest fear! Hopefully exposing myself to more of it will help me be less fearful of it.

5. Be vulnerable

As I've grown older, I've become more and more private, saving my innermost thoughts only for those close to me. In order to make connections, I need to be more vulnerable, but not in a socially unacceptable way that prematurely forces intimacy, or when the person doesn’t deserve it.

6. Don't be a bully

I get really impatient with people I perceive to be stupid. Or to be absolutely correct, I get really impatient with people who are deluded about their ignorance or lack of skills (see my post about how to handle people like this). I should not discriminate against people on the basis of their ignorance or incompetence, just like I shouldn't discriminate on the basis of gender or sex. I'm only being slightly facetious, here. Stupid is not something one chooses to be.

Physical Goals

7. Take a gym class 3X/week (or spend 60 minutes at the gym).

8. Walk a minimum of 7000 steps on the days that I don’t take a gym class, or do cardio in the gym for 30 minutes instead. 

9. Strengthen my back and core muscles with yoga, pilates, weights and barre.

10. Self-care: Take more steam baths and take better care of my skin.

11. Eat more vegetables and fruit.

12. Minimize the times I eat until I am past full.

Career Goals

13. Try something new at work. Ask my boss if I can represent the company at a conference. Interface with the customer more.
14. Read (or listen to) management, social skills, and communication books to improve my career.
15. Be more curious about the people I work with. Ask them about their day or something personal.
16. Continue to take big design risks. It seems like every time I do something bold, like contributing a design without being asked, it pays off (such as receiving a patent).
17. Dig deeper. Scrape below the surface with my analysis and with my line of questioning.

Fun Goals

18. Have more IRL fun. Don’t be a hermit all the time. Even though I live a rich internal life through books, movies and video games, sometimes I need to remind myself that real life is more piquant. If consuming video games is like candy, hanging out with my friends/family is like a healthy, nourishing meal.
19. Frame more pictures and paintings. Since being denied an office in my new work building, I’ve been obsessed with decorating my cubicle so that I don’t feel so deprived. I’ve decorated my cube with accessories from Ikea and West Elm, and there are now several plants enjoying my primo real estate under the skylight (so bright, I almost need to wear sunscreen every day). Now, I don’t wish for any of the offices (they look like jail cells), and I feel like I’m at the spa every time I work at my desk. I’ve even gotten several compliments on how nice my cube looks, although I think the natural lighting does most of the heavy lifting.
20. Organize a trip with family and/or friends: Thanksgiving in Hawaii? Christmas in Europe? Roadtrip to Disneyland?

A Story For When I Feel Pessimistic

There’s a lot in the world to be pessimistic about right now. When Trump was elected, I screamed inside. I didn’t know what kind of country I was going to wake up to the following morning. The country was so vehemently sexist and so full of hatred and anger, that they voted for a malignant, racist, narcissist over arguably the most qualified presidential candidate to ever exist in the history of our country. Now that the mid-term elections are nearing, my mood is in a word: pessimistic. Because of gerrymandering, and because half the country is under the thrall of conservative state TV (Fox), and because terrorist acts perpetrated by violent white men have happened in recent days, I have doubts that normal democratic processes will actually endure this coming election day. 

But something happened to me today that actually had me sobbing in my car on my way home, and sobbing even as I write these words. My V.P. of Engineering is hands down one of the most brilliant people I’ve ever met. Because he is getting on in years, I am sometimes the repository of his pearls of wisdom. He said something that was so prescient today, that I felt like I could, just for a moment, glimpse past the micro-problems of our day, and it had me gasping.

ICBMs (intercontinental ballistic missiles) are responsible for delivering nuclear warheads. After the rocket fuel is exhausted, the ICBM is essentially radio silent. If it isn’t radio silent than foreign enemies can hack into it and possibly jam it. If the rocket is essentially dumb/unhackable and radio silent, than how possibly can it reach it’s destination, and within feet of it? 

They launched test missiles from Edwards Air Force Base in California into the middle of the Pacific Ocean, using only simple Newtonian physics to drive them, but the missiles they launched did not reach their goal. When they relaunched the same missile after tweaking what they thought was a faulty rocket motor, the same result happened. Then some smart person realized they needed to do more than use simple idealized trajectories. The missiles had been pulled off course by tiny changes in gravity during flyover. 

So this is how we solved it. We MAPPED the earth’s gravitational disturbances. We launched a fleet of satellites and tracked their speeds and altitudes as they orbited the Earth. The extra gravitation pull from a mountain range, we logged it. The placid pull from the oceans, we mapped it. Even the minute fluctuations of the ground water, we recorded. Any ICBM that will ever be launched will be launched with a single set of mathematical coordinates. Without ever having any sensorial input on where it is in space, it will reach its target, having taken into account every ditch, hill, stream it will have passed. This might be the first and last time a gargantuan feat of science and engineering had me so awestruck, that I literally trembled in my socks.

This is WHY North Korea will be decades away from launching an accurate nuclear warhead on an ICBM, if they ever will. This is WHY we will eventually reverse global warming. This is why, even though our White House and Congress, and perhaps even our Supreme Court, is full of nincompoops, we will eventually come out on top.

The technical brilliance within our country is astounding. The technical talent is so deep, that even now it is not fully realized.

The depth and magnitude of our labor resources is breathtaking. 

We WILL pull through this. If not in this election cycle, then the next, or a couple of decades from now. Our country, even our planet, might be under threat, but we WILL meet this challenge. The next time I am feeling pessimistic about my country, or the world even, I should look back on this moment when I was awestruck.

NON-travel Bucket List - Very Achievable

I just read a New York Times article about how you should inform your doctor about your bucket list so that they can appropriately prescribe treatment. In the article, there was a patient with terminal cancer that the doctor was treating, whose dream it was to vacation in Maui, but his cancer treatments would have probably kept him from this lifetime goal. Once he started chemotherapy, he would not have had the energy to board a plane, let alone vacation in Hawaii. And the likelihood of him recovering after the treatment was low. So his doctor recommended that he take his trip to Maui, and begin treatments when he came back. This got me to thinking what my bucket list should be. I hope to die with few regrets, at least from an experiential standpoint. I’ve written about travel-related goals before, and I have also written about “dream big” goals, before as well. Both of these types of goals are worthwhile, however, I just haven’t been excited about traveling, or dreaming big lately. So here, I’m going to list something I haven’t before — goals that are NOT travel-related, and that are VERY achievable. Some of these goals are intellectual in nature, and others are simply food related. 

1. Grow another vegetable garden. In particular I would like to cultivate fresh herbs (such as thyme, rosemary, basil), and collard greens and kale. Since moving into our condominium, we haven’t been able to do this.
2. Own a statement purse. I’ve owned several beautiful brand name purses in the past but nothing as luxurious and frivolous as Dior, Saint Laurent or Celine.
3. Go to a Silent Meditation retreat.  As soon as I wrote this goal down, I applied to attend a silent meditation retreat, putting a deposit down and everything. I hope I get selected. So excited!!! 
4. Finish writing my book (and start another). I vowed to begin working on my unfinished novel this weekend, but got diverted by writing this blog post instead.
5. Listen to good speakers and learn audiophile terminology. 
6. Receive Rolfing 10-part Structural Integration massage treatment. As soon as I wrote this goal down, I contacted a well-reviewed Rolfer in my area. 
7. Learn facial exercises for improving my facial appearance. Another NYT article was written about this. A study showed that facial exercises subtract years off your face. 
8. Make more clothes. I just bought some scrap Marimekko material that should make a nice top. 
9. Take a self-defense class, such as Krav Maga.
10. Learn how to play guitar.
11. Be a part of a startup from its inception. So far, I’ve only been employee #13.
12. Take a massage class.
13. Take a philosophy class
14. Eat an omakase meal at a sushi bar
15. Learn rudimentary Mandarin
16. Learn rudimentary Cantonese
17. Eat at a lobster boil

So far, just clarifying my goals has already gotten me on my way with at least two of the above goals. I have put an appointment down for a Silent Meditation retreat, and I’ve contacted someone to start my Rolfing treatment. 

How to Destress

When I start to get an involuntary twitch in my face, I know that I am overly stressed, and I need to separate myself as far from the human race as possible.  In the past couple of weeks, my facial tic has started to recur, even though I haven't had it in a couple of years.  I can't quite place what is happening in my life to cause this.  Sure, I am dealing with difficult people at work; there is someone very angry and toxic that I am currently dealing with. Just having my cube sit kitty-corner from his has been stressful. All day, I listen to him complain, hit his keyboard in frustration, and deride everything and everyone.  I honestly don't know how some of the other people around me can stand him.  What's worse, he's in charge of fixturing one of my mechanical designs and can't seem to make it work properly.  Therefore, he blames my design instead of looking at his own work to fix the issue.  Even the most senior people make suggestions, and he refuses to follow through on those suggestions.  Whenever I try and make a suggestion, he rolls his eyes at me and looks at me like I'm the dumbest person on earth.

I also have a small elderly parent issue that is contributing to my anxiety. Sure, I don't have to be financially responsible over my parent or be a care-taker.  But I do have to be emotionally supportive as she goes through double hip-replacement surgery. And then, there's an underlying financial problem that my parent is having in her semi-retirement, which shouldn't ever happen when you are about to retire. It's a lot for my delicate nerves to handle. And I actually got into a public screaming match during this time that I should never have undergone had I been more mentally stable.  

We are also working on a bathroom and kitchen renovation at the same time. Yesterday, I spent a good 3-4 hours trying to cut kitchen cabinet doors on a very intimidating CNC router on a very expensive $300 piece of hardwood.  Unfortunately, this very dangerous and scary piece of equipment broke, and had to be taken down for a few days for repairs.  Thank goodness the wood is still intact. But it was enough to ruin a few hours of my day.  Bless Mark, my husband, for sitting very patiently next to me this entire time.

Anyways, I am dedicating my day off to relax as much as possible.  I am on the look out for ideas for how to de-stress beyond the normal: "get a pedicure" solutions.  Here are some ideas I might want to try to help me recover from eye-twitch inducing stress.

1. Eat lots of ice cream, buffalo wings, whatever comfort food you can think of.

2. Watch a fashion documentary in bed, preferably with the lights off -- Yesterday, I rented "Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorf's" and watched it in bed in the dark on my iPad.  I felt sort of like in a womb while watching it.

3. Read self-help books and articles.  If you haven't heard of Martha Beck, you should totally look her up. She's a Harvard trained life-coach and is also a regular columnist in Oprah magazine. Not only is she sharp, but she is super insightful, and funny to boot. Also, I enjoy her spiritual almost "magical" beliefs about how life works.  I am such a sucker for her form of new age spirituality!  

4. Get away from the TV-blaring husband.  I have found out that I really need silence sometimes to get any inner calm.  Even if daily meditation practice is beyond my reach at times, just being able to sit and read in silence can really do my frazzled brain some good. Reminder to self: must get some Bluetooth enabled noise-cancelling head phones.

5. Eat lots of kale and spinach. This is in direct conflict with item #1 above, but apparently these veggies contains folate, which is good for cognitive repair.  

6. Roll on a foam roller, or invert.  Unlike yoga, these are almost effort free ways to work out knots and stretch. To passively invert, I like to sit on our sofa with my feet up, and my head and arms hanging over the edge of the seat. This backwards bend is pretty intense, the subsequent neck cracking that I get from this inversion is delicious.  

Anyways, I'm still thinking of more creative ways to decompress.  Surely writing this blog post has been one great way to de-stress.

2013 Resolutions

1) Stability, stability, stability.

This past year has been one of the worst years of my life. As the new year begins, I look back on the grief and trauma I've experienced in the past year, and I feel sad. I look towards the new year, and sadly, I don't feel entirely hopeful. I feel even a little fearful of what grief my mind has convinced awaits me .

I would never think I would say this, but all I really want this year is stability. I don't want anything to happen to me. I just want to be tender with myself. I don't want to stand out, I just want to blend in and not make a fool of myself.

A hobbit hole is where I'd like to stay for the rest of the year

2) Make physical health a priority, especially to counter aging.

While training for my backpacking trip through Yosemite, I gained about 10 lbs, and couldn't fit into even my newest pair of jeans. I am going to take time out of my day to work out, even if it means a 2 hour lunch once a week.

3) Make more financial investments

Instead of just saying, be better with finances like I usually do every year, I am going to try and be more specific. It's time to begin nurturing my stock investments with more seriousness. The short term goal for these investments would be to finance a new kitchen renovation, (see below). The longer term goal for these investments would be to finance a new home (see below).

New Modern Kitchen

New Modern Home

4) Cultivate objectivity

I've been told that I tend to see things in black or white. I've not been able to recognize this in myself all the time, but this is what I have been told. I recently spent a significant portion of time with someone, however, who saw things very black or white, and it dawned on me what my own black and white thinking was like, and the harm it was doing to me, as well as those around me. Everything that we saw on TV with this person brought out a judgement, usually negative. Watching TV brought out a never-ending monologue of extreme opinions on all matters. For example, the recent rape case in India brought on a diatribe on all Indian people. Not only was her over-generalization unjust, but it was just a real grind to have to listen to. Not only can black and white thinking be directed towards others, it can often times be directed to oneself. For example:

If things aren't "perfect," then they must be "horrible." If your child isn't "brilliant" then he must be "stupid." If you're not "fascinating" then you must be "boring."  

This is the type of thinking that I tend to gravitate towards, and I can see how exhausting and how hurtful to myself this can be. So this year, I want to recognize my tendency to generalize things as either good or bad, black or white, and begin to see things as they are.

My "go-to" list of things to do to feel better when you're down

Here's my "go-to" list of things I can do when I want to feel better.  We all feel down on occasion.  It's a powerful tool to have as many as 27 things to fall back on when I need a quick pick me up.

1. Go for a walk outside.

2. Talk to a sympathetic friend.

3. Do a task you have been procrastinating doing.

4. Sit in the sun.

5. Reach out to someone you've been meaning to contact, but haven't.

6. Think grateful thoughts.

7. Breathe deeply.

8. Exercise.

9. Take a shower.

10. Write down your thoughts.

11. Plan for the future, especially travel planning.

12. Read a motivational book.

13. Smile and beam positivity.

14. Relax my muscles through stretching or massage.

15. Enjoy my husband's company.

16. Call Mom.

17. Receiving encouragement.

18. Think of things you've defeated in the past through great effort.

19. Brainstorming new business ideas.

20. Get excited about a new idea or project.

21. Dancing to good music.

22. Seeing someone else suffering, and feeling not so alone in despair.

23. Cooking.

24. Writing and blogging.

25. Laughing really loudly.

26. Appreciating something beautiful, and appreciating that you can.

27. Being vulnerable in front of those you love.

Some more ways to feel better:

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-to-instantly-feel-better-when-you-are-depressed.html

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0NAH/is_4_32/ai_85174714/

http://imperfectspirituality.com/2011/04/13/five-ways-to-feel-better-fast/

SCUBA and spirituality: brainstorm 1

My brain has been on fire lately.  I have so many projects to do, so little time. One of the more crazy ideas I want to try is to write an article for California Diving News, the premier magazine about SCUBA diving in California. I wrote to Kim Sheckler, one of the main writers of this magazine, and wife of the editor, what articles she prefers, and she replied:

The editorial drive of the publication is to inspire and inform the beginning through intermediate divers into seeking the full underwater experience that California waters have to offer. All material is upbeat and positive. Please, no “Why this diver died” or shark attack type articles. Our goal is to encourage divers to get out and enjoy California scuba diving more often.

Rather than writing about something light, however, I have decided to dive off the deep-end (pun not intended) and write about the connection between SCUBA diving and spirituality.  It's a topic that is not explored in great depth (ha ha).  However, like in many other sports (such as surfing or running), there is a universally acknowledged spiritual element involved with diving.  Some might argue that scuba diving has an even stronger spiritual element than some other activities because a high degree of breathing awareness is employed. But more on that later...

My first question, inevitably would be, what is Spirituality anyway? I would be the last to know, since I am adamantly non-religious, and not very spiritual either. So what is a gal to do? So I did some internet research.  There is a well-written article on the subject here. According to this article, the last thing one can do, I found, is to define spirituality. Spirituality, the author argues, is more like a mixed bag of experiences:

• Feeling lost in the moment
• Feeling part of the whole universe
• Feeling a sense of awe and mystery
• A sense of epiphany

All of the above apply to the experience of diving in my mind...

To be continued...

Simple ways to become instantly happier

Once again, deadlines loom on the home front, and at work.  Once again, I have a million and one things to blog about rather than tackling these more important tasks:  One of the things on my mind these days are things that make me happy.  There
things that give me lasting happiness, and there are things that are like a quick shot in the arm.

Here are some of the things that are like a quick shot in the arm:
(1) A fresh coat of lipstick.  This is spoken from someone, who until very recently, hadn't worn a smidgen of makeup in her life.  But in my 30s I have discovered the joy of smearing on a coat of lipstick or lip gloss or two.
(2) Appreciate a friend out loud when you genuinely mean it. There is nothing that makes me more happy than paying a compliment or showing genuine thanks.  But be aware: paying a cheap compliment that you don't mean can have the opposite effect.
(3) Being out in the sun, on a really nice day. Like today, at this very moment, writing this blog in the dappled shade of an outdoor cafe.
(4) Wear a cute outfit and rock it all day.
(5) Laughing really loudly. It's so euphoric.
(6) Do not underestimate the power of skin moisturizer to keep you feeling soft and pampered all day.  This is from someone who has alligator skin, and for whom putting on moisturizer is like an epiphany.
(7) Relaxed and pleasant conversation over a meal. I hardly ever turn down an opportunity to go out for lunch  to have a nice discussion, even with stressful work looming.
(8) Eating food when hungry. Not to be underestimated.
(9) Drinking coffee. Caffeine makes me feel smarter, and more engaged in life.


And here are some deeper ways to be happier for longer periods of time:

(1) Bearing yourself gracefully and taking the high road in difficult situations.
(2) In the same sense as the previous, forgiving a friend with whom you've had a tiff. Often times, when you can't stand someone, you're looking at yourself in the mirror, and there is something that bothers you about yourself. If you can recognize that, and forgive yourself and the other person, it's like a huge load has lifted off my shoulders.  This has happened to me several times. Life is too short to bear a grudge or to hate people for a long period of time. Turn it around as quickly as possible, and you will be incredibly proud of yourself.
(3) Loving people deeply. You don't need to be family. You don't even need to know the people very well, or have had them in your lives for a long time.  But recognize that you can instantly love people and care for them.
(4) Take a class on happiness. Sometimes it's not enough to bumble around on one's own, figuring out what works and what doesn't work in this game of life.  Sometimes, it is necessary to take a class. For example I'm still reaping the benefits of what I learned in my Mindfulness Meditation retreat that I took at the Esalen institute a few years ago.  I'm still grokking how it feels to practice equanimity, and what it means to cultivate "loving-kindness" (metta bhavana). You can read more about my mindfulness retreat here.
(5) Risk and constantly face your fears. One of the main things I learned with my life coach was the concept of "being comfortable with being uncomfortable". The key is to to risk feeling uncomfortable many days of the week, and to risk so much, that you feel like you could die, once a week. I am following this, and this has been extremely rewarding to my life. I never thought I was a coward, but it is good to be reminded of when one is in a rut. 

Life Coach Experience, Part II

This blog post is about my past year's experience working with a life coach and is a continuation of a previous post, here.

This picture has nothing to do with the subject of this blog post, but contains relevant scuba diving information

What immediately struck me upon meeting Vicki was that her style of coaching complemented me well.  First of all, she is a certified "Fearless Living" coach.  This means that she espouses familiarizing ourselves intimately with our deepest fears, encourages being conscious of our reaction to our fear, and provides tools for handling our fears.  She also espouses embracing our fears, and "being uncomfortable with being uncomfortable." I aspire to be a courageous person, so her brave style of coaching appealed to me.  She also mentioned that she used to work at a large company before getting fed up and striking out on her own to launch her own coaching business.  This attitude also appealed to me, since I, certainly don't wish to climb the corporate ladder for the rest of my life, and would someday like to be my own boss.

I was also impressed with her abundant intuition. On many of our meetings, she surprised me by honing in on things I didn't realize about myself, or providing an insight that completely changed the way that I look at my life.  I spoke to her about what I perceived to be weaknesses, and she helped me reframe them into extensions of my strengths.  For example, I perceive one of my worst problems to be an inability to verbalize quickly on my feet.  Vicki reframed this supposed weakness into a result of one of my strengths, my ability to think things through thoroughly and in great detail.  Another weakness of mine that I mentioned was being overly-emotional, which can be dangerous at work. Vicki pointed out that my emotionality showed passion, and a strong sense of truth, and of right and wrong.  The general point to this exercise of turning my weakness into a strength was getting to know myself better and learning how to leverage my own strengths instead of nit-picking on my weaknesses.

Another major insight that I got from working with Vicki was realizing what my trigger was.  Everyone has a main fear, or trigger. A trigger is something that will cause people to overreact and behave irrationally when triggered.  My trigger just so happens to be "loser".  This means that I make great efforts to never be perceived as a loser in front of others.  And often times, I will be paranoid and misinterpret others as perceiving that I am a loser, when in fact that is not the case.  It wasn't until recently that I learned that not everyone is driven by the same "loser" trigger that I am driven by.  Some people, for instance go to great lengths to avoid being perceived as "selfish", "inauthentic", or "weak".  And I have recently met people who admitted that their trigger was "unlovable", which I find to be alien, but I have no doubt is a miserable fear.

Ironically, the efforts we make to avoid our fears can misfire.  For example, my "loser" trigger drives me to self-destructively compare myself to others, to over-apologize, and also to work furiously under a dark cloud of negativity.  Since identifying my trigger, I have become more adept at catching myself.  Oftentimes I will be working on a project and the following internal monologue will repeat in my head: "Everyone thinks I'm a loser, and will think my work sucks", "Everyone is going to hate this". I am beginning to learn how to interrupt this vicious circle of negativity. Sometimes I will reach out to a coworker and start a friendly conversation, sometimes I will take a deep breath or go for a walk.  Then, I change my internal monologue with the following playback loop: "How can I do better?  How can I excel? How is this fun?"

There are so many insights that I have gained by working with Vicki, that they are maybe too much to write about in this one blurb.  But I wanted to reiterate that Vicki has been a life coach who has not only provided me communication skills and techniques, all useful in navigating this game of life, but has also challenged myself to look deeply within myself and to become better acquainted with my deepest emotions and fears.  Her brand of coaching and encouragement is not always the most subtle, or gentle.  She herself states on her website: "Because sometimes you need more than a gentle push."  I have definitely appreciated her comment that I should become "comfortable with being uncomfortable" and I definitely appreciated her when, after a long session of complaining and feeling sorry for myself, she encouraged me man up and to "put my big girl pants on".

If you are interested in learning more about Vicki's coaching services, her information can be found on the following website:

http://mykickasscoach.com/

Also, you can find her on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/MyKickAssCoach

Life Coach Experience

One of the most significant things that happened to me this year, was deciding to work with a life coach.   As I revealed in an earlier blog post, I have been working with my life coach, Vicki, for the past 6 months.  I was not the first in my circle of friends to get a life coach. Two of my friends have gotten coaches (career or life coaches) before me.  These coaches helped my friends to varying degrees, but nevertheless, I was impressed by my friends' courage in taking steps in their personal growth, and vowed to eventually make similar steps of my own.  Beginning with my meditation retreat several years back, I have been making my personal growth a priority.  I consider my working with a life coach as continuation of what will be a life-long quest for self-discovery.

The above picture has nothing to do with the subject of this blog post, but who can a resist a cute kitty picture?

From what little I know of the profession of life-coaching, a life coach is similar to a sports coach, except instead of guiding, critiquing and cheering on the players of a sports team, a life coach guides, critiques, and cheers on a person in their life's endeavors. I decided to get a coach because I felt that I was getting myself into difficulties at work time and time again, and at work place after work place.  The only common denominator to these work situations, it seemed, was me.  So I decided to get an outside perspective to aid me to see what I was doing wrong, to help me to have the correct conversations with coworkers, and to present myself in a better way.

By hiring a life coach, I expected to get a toolbox of skills and techniques, and rules of thumb to help me navigate my work perils better. I am getting these things, but in addition, I think I am getting something a little deeper.  (As a side note, not all coaches are created equal.  A friend of mine who hired a life coach was asked to attend karate classes, and to attend Toastmasters to pump up her confidence, and to improve her public speaking skills.  The coach even went clothes shopping with my friend for work clothes. I thought that my friend was very brave to try on a new persona. But I felt I could hardly recognize my friend anymore after her coaching sessions were over.)

Vicki and I speak for an hour on a biweekly basis.  The conversation is conducted over the phone. Coaching sessions are not inexpensive.  For the cost of hiring a coach, I could be buying a couple of expensive pairs of shoes every month.  Before each coaching session, my coach sends me a list of pointed questions to ask myself:

What are the roadblocks I am now experiencing? What is it you are not willing to bring up? What do I want my coach to help me with during this call?

In addition to these questions, I have also been e-mailing Vicki twice before each session.   This can be something that is bothering me, a success, or whatever.  Finally, after each coaching session, Vicki writes her coaching notes, which contain "homework", usually reading assignments, and insights from the coaching session.  I have been using the insights to guide me in how I behave towards myself and others, and revisiting these insights as need be.

To be continued...

2010 New Year Resolutions, and Results

I cannot believe another year has blown by.  After reading over my 2010 New Year's Resolutions, it feels like I had just wrote them yesterday.  Here are my 2010 New Year Resolutions and associated results:

1. Watch less TV, play less video games, surf the internet less. Generally, get my butt off the sofa more.
No, Yes, Yes, Somewhat.  I think I was successful in playing less video games.  When you go home at lunch to play video games, like I did in 2009, it is a very clear indication that you are playing too many video games.  This did not happen this year.  (However, as a side note, I did obtain a wireless headset to communicate with my coworker while playing Call of Duty Black Ops, so I haven't given up games altogether.) I am continuing to watch a lot of TV indirectly due to Mark's excessive TV watching, but overall I think I did better than before. Verdict: Fair.

2. Stretch my lower back and shoulder more. These spots are giving me grief.
I did a very good job in this department.  The tension is not completely gone, and will come back in force in times of stress, but I am constantly stretching these neck and lower back, without even thinking about it. Verdict: Good.

3. Continue to make exercise a habit.
Exercise this year was up and down.  My gym closed down, but I continued to do P90X videos on my own.  I got to the point of being able to do weird feats of strength, like doing 30 push ups in a row, or going from the "crane" position (a yoga balance move) and jumping into plank.  Then, I discovered that simply eating less (1450 calories a day) was a more efficient way to lose weight than exercising a lot, so I began to limit exercise to once a week.  Now I'm trying to renew my exercise habit after my experiment resulted in me getting too flabby.  Verdict: Fair.

4. Begin to think about what it means to grow older and come to terms with it. These are one of the things I fear the most -- getting older, and being perceived as old. Thank goodness I don't look any age at all with my asian face.
Ha ha.  I don't think I made any progress at all in this department. I'm embarassed to say, I still feel like I am in my 20s mentally speaking.  Verdict: Poor.

5. Continue with my spiritual and psychological development.
I am working very hard in this department.  In August, I hired a personal life coach, and I have been working with her biweekly ever since.  This deserves it's own little blog post, but to summarize, I have been making a lot of progress.  Verdict: Good.

6. Take better care of my skin.
I have also been making significant progress with my skin.  I discovered several important skin-care habits: (1) I apply Atralin, a tretinoin-based acne medication, on my face every night.  The tretinoin is great for treating adult acne, but I also receive the side-benefit of having younger looking skin, as tretinoin encourages the turnover of skin.  As a result, my skin looks clearer and more youthful than it has in years. (2) My second habit is to moisturize my face every day (Aveeno facial soy based moisturizer).  The Aveeno moisturizer that I use does not irritate my skin, and it helps keep my oil production down.  It also has the side benefit of evening out my skin tone.  (3) Less significantly, I am appreciating the benefits of blotting.  Rather than washing and drying out my skin, I regularly blot my face with toilet paper, which has the added benefit of leaving my makeup intact, in addition to removing shine. Verdict: Excellent.

7. Do new things. Plan more events with friends.
So this year I wasn't a complete couch potato.  I ended up organizing several events, including a ski trip, a Halloween party, hiking outings, dive outings and dinner parties.  This coming year promises to unveil more creative events.  Verdict: Good.

8. Dare I say it? Travel more? Will it happen with my dwindled finances and few vacation days?
I definitely got to travel a decent amount this year.  I travelled to Indianapolis for work (better than nothing), and I also got to travel to Zion National Park and to Fiji for my honeymoon.  I will try to write more about Zion at a later date, but to read up on my honeymoon, go here. Verdict: Good.

9. Continue to acquire a stylish wardrobe!
This year saw a resurgence in my fascination for fashion.  I love the jeggings, ankle boots and blousy silhouettes that have become trendy this year.  My conclusion is that you don't have to spend a lot to look fashionable.  You just need good taste.  Verdict: Excellent.

10. Survive work in 2010 with my sanity intact, which promises to be the make or break year.
This year was pretty good as far as work is concerned. I wished I had done more, but I shattered a couple of boundaries that I had previously.  My boss getting fired helped a lot! He was holding me back, as well as the rest of the company, which was why he got fired in the first place.  Verdict: Good.

More detail later...

Happiness is Miserable

"Happiness is Miserable" claims Jennifer Aaker, professor of Marketing at Stanford's Graduate School of Business. Professor Aaker (http://faculty-gsb.stanford.edu/aaker/) spoke at yesterday's lecture sponsored by the Stanford Professional Women. And she had some data, hilarious videos and charts to back up her statement that "Happiness is Miserable".

It has been a long time since I stepped on the Stanford Campus. It was fun to visit after so long a time away. The Alumni Center, where the event was held, is absolutely gorgeous. There was smoked salmon, cheesecake and good coffee to stuff my face with. And everyone was dressed to the hilt in their most fashionable attire.

I had trouble initiating conversation with
my fellow attendees at first. I need to brush up on that skill apparently. But another woman who was attending the lecture on her own struck up a conversation with me from her chair near by. Approximately the same age as myself, she had two small kids already, looked older than myself, and was extremely well spoken, which is more than what I could say for myself. Maybe networking at these events more would give me some of that polish.

The lecture itself was hilarious. Aaker presented some photos from her family trip to Disneyworld, where everyone was clearly miserable. However, looking back, only happy pictures with disingenuine smiles remain. The point was: Americans (more so than in other cultures) have a hard time resolving experiences that are both happy and sad, and will usually remember one over the other. This demonstrates that we have an unrealistic vision of how happy we are supposed to be?

Another key to her lecture was that there is more than one type of happiness, and that our definition of happiness morphs with age. For example, happiness is associated by most people by the following words:

Can't stop smiling
Pleasure
Feels good

But there is also a deeper, more sustainable meaning of the word happiness:

Contentment
Feels right
Authentic

Aaker argues that if we can be more in touch with this latter meaning of happiness, we will become happier.

One final point she made was that giving to others usually makes us happier than anything else we can do.

Some other short term fixes to feeling happier:

-Smile more
-Breath more slowly and deeply
-Have a small sandwich (eat a snack)
-Slog through a tough 3 hour task
-Avoid the negative-the negative has more lasting power over the positive
-Anticipate happiness in the future
-Remember happiness in the past
-Control the ripple effect your happiness -has on others (we are happier when our friends' friends are happy)
-Find a project that is meaningful both at work and at home



-- Post From My iPhone

Why Me? and other January Tales

The month of January was a rough one. I came into the new year fired up on a project, one which had real impact on the company, and one which I would demonstrate ownership and leadership in changing how we performed engineering. I did a fairly good job of gathering information and getting peoples' opinions and assimilating them into a proposal to be presented to higher management. When it came to making a final proposal to management, however, I bombed! I was completely tongue tied. Frankly, I made a fool of myself. Unfortunately, I think my manager lost a little faith in me after my poor presentation. I would go so far to say that he attributed the results of my work to the more senior members who were involved with the project, and not me at all.

Later, I had to tackle an important engineering problem. Unfortunately, I really frustrated my boss for being slow. He had tried giving me greater leeway to perform my own investigation. Unfortunately, my boss's goals and mine were not aligned, so I ended up being late on delivering the work. Also, I received some negative attention from the CEO who wondered if I was the right person for that job, and whether they needed to hire a consultant. Well, my manager told me this story in an attempt to light a fire under my ass, and I attribute it as such. However, it is always hard to pick yourself up and perform after being told such a story.

Anyways, the point of this story is that everyone goes through a period or rough patch where they ask themselves, "Why me?", and they firmly believe that the world is out to get them. That is the way that I feel sometimes. And it is hard to convince myself, sometimes, that I am not receiving the short end of the stick, or being the target of some poor treatment. Although the latest spiritual gurus and psychology experts claim that you aren't the center of the universe, and that noone is targeting you, I AM beginning to think that some people do attract more ill will from people than others due to their being less socially or politically skilled, being meek, or just with their plain being so brilliant as to incur the jealousy of everyone else.

Case in point: Hillary Clinton. I am in the process of reading Hillary Clinton's autobiography, "Living History", which she wrote about her life up to her winning the senatorship of New York. The number of attacks from the right wing on this lady was unprecedented, and was certainly directed at Hillary specifically. I think that perhaps Hillary's brilliance had something to do with how vilified she was (we all know how mysognistic this society is). However, I also think she was the target because she was obviously wounded and embittered, and bitter people attract bad luck. The enemy likes to kick you when you're down.

I wish that someone could tell me that I am wrong about my theory that some people are more targetted than others, at least in my case.