Things that I'm a fan of...

1. American Horror Story: Coven

This is one of my favorite shows on TV to watch currently, if only so I can ooh and aah over the chic witchy fashion on display:

From left: Bohemian witch, schoolgirl witch, Posh Russian princess witch

The show is about a coven of witches in New Orleans. There is a rival gang across town led by a Voodoo priestess, Marie Laveau (who is played with aplomb by Angela Bassett).  Throw in a bunch of teenage witches making trouble and still coming into their own powers, and you've got a volatile mixture.

One of the things I like best about the show is the incorporation of many colorful legends from New Orleans' past into the story line.  Delphine LaLaurie, a real life 19th century psychopath who tortured her slaves to death, is somehow revived by the coven, and is by turns, manically and hilariously portrayed by Kathy Bates. The coven leader, Fiona, played by Jessica Lange, has a love affair with the Axman, who was a real serial murderer who terrorized New Orleans back in the day.

2. Game of Thrones, the TV show, and the book series

For the past 5 months, I've been barrelling through "A Song of Ice and Fire", the book series that inspired the HBO series, "Game of Thrones". At around 1000 pages each, you would think it took dedication, but I actually focussed on slowing way down so that I could savor the books more.

Based on the War of the Roses, this is essentially a tale of two noble families, the Lannisters and the Starks who are battling for the King's throne. What makes this story a little bit more interesting however, is that there is a third unexpected contender for the throne. Dany Targaryen is a 14 year old girl, and the sole survivor of the deposed family which headed the previous royal dynasty.  She has just hatched dragons, which is sort of like coming into posession of nuclear bombs - a real game changer. She is also learning to become a brilliant leader, unusual for her age and gender.

What's better than 1 Direwolf pup? How about 5 Direwolf pups?

I probably will dedicate a whole blog post to Game of Thrones, but for now, let me leave you with Direwolf puppies, they're like wolves, except bigger and more badass.  They protect each of the Stark siblings with ferocity. We should all have a Direwolf.

3. My Dansko clogs

I bought these black Dansko clogs a little while ago, and now they hardly ever leave my feet. You can walk or stand all day long, and your feet won't feel a thing.  I can understand why nurses wear them. One drawback to the clogs is: you won't be able to win any agility contests.  I find that I'm constantly in peril of twisting my ankle. Also,they just don't go well with skirts or leggings, which won't prevent me from trying anyways.

4. Walking Dead - A Telltale Game

I just finished playing this video game, which is a based on the TV show with the same name. It received some rave reviews. Basically, it's a choose your own adventure game where you play a character in the Zombie Apocalypse. This game follows a different group of characters than those in the TV show, but you do get to meet Glenn, a character from the TV series.

In the game, you get to choose how to respond to situations and people, and the storyline changes based on the choices you make. Every once in a while, you also need to kill some zombies, but I found that to be a small part of the game. I chose to be a "good" character, dealing with things through negotiation, rather than through violence. However, there were many morally ambiguous choices that were not so clean cut to make. The game took about 4 hours to finish, not bad since the game is only $20. And I felt a little sad when the game ended.

Telltale Games is also going to be working on a game with a similar format for "Game of Thrones".

Lee and Glenn fight a horde of zombies.

5. Rebecca Minkoff M.A.B. (Morning After Bag) tote

I just discovered this brand when I was shopping for a tote bag to carry my laptop around.  Rebecca Minkoff totes are practical, have clean lines, and are made from good leather. It works as an everyday purse, but is also large enough to hold my large laptop, a sweater, or a tablet or two.  I got the black version in medium, but I kind of wish I got the orange version (pictured) instead. My mom thought my Rebecca Minkoff tote was so cute, that she immediately bought a similar Longchamp tote, which was way more expensive, and only made out of nylon.

Rebecca Minkoff Orange M.A.B. tote

Our Kitchen Remodel Begins: Appliances, Appliances, Appliances!

Well, we finally took the plunge: We decided to begin remodeling our kitchen over Thanksgiving weekend, after years of doing nothing but dreaming and collecting inspiration photos.

Background

Our kitchen is more than 30 years old.  Our beige cabinets are depressing and look like they belong in some sad rental apartment. It's embarrassing to have guests over, because they always notice the exposed electrical circuitry on our 70's style microwave oven.  Also, our ventilation fan stopped working years ago, which makes our entire house stink when cooking, and makes our kitchen a lot dirtier and harder to clean, with all the grease deposited around the kitchen, instead of vented out of our home.

Note: exposed circuit board on microwave

What really got my butt into gear was visiting my Mom in Chicago over Thanksgiving weekend, however. Her kitchen was in a worst state of disrepair than ours. And due to impending retirement, and for medical reasons, has allowed her kitchen to fall apart.  I realized that if we didn't renovate our own kitchen within a few years, that we would end up with a kitchen that was falling apart, like my Mom's. 

Wisely, Mark suggested that we start by purchasing our kitchen appliances, because all cabinetry would have to fit around whatever kitchen appliances we chose. This was a really smart move, because we discovered that standard appliances these days would not fit into the non-standard slots of our outdated kitchen. 

Because we plan to sell our place within 5 years, I initially wanted to focus on lower end appliances designed only to not repel potential buyers.  However, when working with my husband, Mark, who is an avid cook, and who also has expensive tastes, some scope creep happened, and we ended up spending a thousand dollars or so more anticipated: 

Dishwasher

We ended up with a Bosch SHE4AT75UC dishwasher from Meyer Kitchens in Mountain View. Consumer Reports gives Bosch dishwashers high marks, and had suggested steering away from Samsung and LG dishwashers due to reliability issues. I have worked with German, industrial washers in the past, so I favored German brands for dishwashing.  Even at the lower price spectrum, our Bosch dishwasher scored high marks for cleaning. (At a full 2 hour wash cycle, I would hope so!) The adjustability of the racks inside, allowing for ease of loading, was also attractive.

Refrigerator

We decided to get a smaller Samsung RF261BEAESR French door refrigerator from Best Buy. Our rationale was, because we had a smaller kitchen, we didn't want a Goliath in our kitchen. Yet, we still wanted an ice-maker, and we also wanted a drinking water feature. This was the cheapest refrigerator that offered these features. It didn't offer a touch panel display, and the water fountain is inside the refrigerator, instead of outside on the door. But we figured these were benefits, instead of disadvantages. The touch panel displays are an unnecessary expense, and a potential point of failure. Also having the water dispenser on the inside gives the refrigerator extra capacity because there are no additional connections attaching the water line to the swinging door. 

Oven and Range

Here is where Mark blew our budget. We opted for the GE convection oven with electrical range. Because it is a slide-in oven instead of a free-standing oven, it is about $1000 extra. The slide-in oven fits closely with the surrounding cabinetry, and overhangs over the top of adjacent countertops. Therefore, it is a bit more expensive to install as well. But we thought the slide-in is more aesthetically attractive than free-standing ovens because it looks more "built-in". It is also easier to clean. Spills would not end up in hard to reach gaps around the oven, but would instead drip onto the adjacent counters. The convection oven allows for more even heat dispersal for when multiple items are placed in the oven. And since Mark would like to cook multiple sheets of cookies at once, specifically French macarons, the convection feature was important to him.

Over-the-range Microwave

The most important element in our GE microwave, for us, was the ventilation. Not many microwaves are able to evacuate 400 cubic feet per minute at our price point. This rate matches many professional hoods available.

Summary

All in all, we spent way under the $6000 limit that some experts budget for buying kitchen appliances and we were able to research and purchase all 4 appliances within 48 hours. For research, I highly recommend getting a Consumer Reports subscription because, not only does it allow you access to product ratings, but it also gives you a quick summary on how to select kitchen appliances in the first place. Visiting consumerreports.org saved hours of internet research by encapsulating the basics into a short 3 minute video or article. I also highly recommend visiting Best Buy for a hands on feel for the appliances. The Best Buy workers, though over-worked this past Black Friday weekend, had much more expertise than the salespeople at the higher end store that we visited.  Also, I would not shun visiting a high end store, like Meyer Kitchens, too.  We actually ended up getting better prices there, than we got at Best Buy because the sales people there give discretionary discounts, which we were able to secure because we got so many appliances at the same time. They were also able to reduce the moving price to $50 for all 3 appliances, which wasn't as good as the free delivery offered by Best Buy, but was certainly better than moving all 3 appliances ourselves.

How Self-Compassionate are you?

I have been reading a lot about self-compassion lately.  In this competitive world, it pays to love oneself. We have too much criticism and stress leveled at ourselves from external factors to NOT be compassionate with ourselves.  I found this self-compassion quiz that I took to score myself in self-compassion.

Below are my own scores for self-compassion on a scale of 1 to 5.  At my score of 2.01, I am considered to be low in self-compassion. High scores in self-judgement, isolation and over-identification contribute to my low score.  It's obvious what self-judgement means. I am pretty certain what "isolation" means in context of this self-compassion test - it means how alone one feels in their own suffering.  But I am not sure of what over-identification means. Perhaps it means how correlated one's sense of self is with one's failings.

Self-kindness: 1.8

Self-judgement: 4.0

Common humanity: 1.5

Isolation: 4.0

Mindfulness: 3.25

Overidentification: 3.5

Overall score: 2.01

I also found this self-compassion exercise on the same website where I found the quiz.  Here are my responses to its' questions:

What types of things do you typically judge and criticize yourself for (appearance, career, relationships, parenting, etc.)?

I usually judge myself for my career. I always feel like I am so old, yet not very far in my career. I haven't climbed the corporate ladder very far, despite being intelligent, and hardworking. Sometimes, I feel insecure about not getting enough accomplished, and I tell myself that I am lazy, or lacking in common sense or smarts. Sometimes, I feel critical of myself for saying the wrong thing or having poor social skills.  I suppose that other people criticize themselves for other things, like their appearance, or their parenting.  I don't usually feel this way and even think that appearance concerns are rather superficial. The fact that I can trivialize other peoples' insecurities puts my own insecurities in perspective. Perhaps my insecurities are shallow and inconsequential, or at least smaller than I think they are.

What type of language do you use with yourself when you notice some flaw or make a mistake (do you insult yourself, or do you take a more kind and understanding tone)?

I tend to think that I am all alone in being the failure that I am. I tend to tell myself that everyone else is so perfect, and are so much more successful than I am. I tend to ask why I am always the victim of hardship, and why does this always have to happen to me. The tone of voice that I use with myself is frustration, disappointment and disgust with myself. I want to ask myself: "why can't you be better? Why am I such a loser?"

When you are being highly self-critical, how does this make you feel inside?

Obviously, I feel terrible. I get a knot in my abdomen, and I feel like my legs and arms are numb. I feel depressed, and I can't sleep or eat. I can't appreciate the beauty that I see, or the flavor of the food that I eat. Being self-critical makes me feel sad, depressed, hopeless. I feel so hopeless sometimes that I don't see a point in living.

When you notice something about yourself you don’t like, do you tend to feel cut off from others, or do you feel connected with your fellow humans who are also imperfect?

I tend to feel very isolated from others. I tend to think that everyone else is perfect and have never suffered as I have. I tend to feel more alone and uniquely a failure in whatever I am suffering at that moment.

What are the consequences of being so hard on yourself? Does it make you more motivated and happy, or discouraged and depressed?

I tend to feel discouraged and unmotivated. It is easy to imagine, that I might be more effective at turning things around had I been less hard on myself.

How do you think you would feel if you could truly love and accept yourself exactly as you are? Does this possibility scare you, give you hope, or both?

I think it would feel absolutely liberating to truly love myself as I am. It gives me hope. I think it would be easy, too! I just need to remind myself when I am down on myself to love myself no matter what, and to be kind to myself. I think the next time I am depressed or down on myself, it would be good to remind that the core of my being is not reflected by the sum of my accomplishments, but is deeper than that and is rather disembodied from my accomplishments, appearance, even my personality, likes and dislikes..

How do you treat yourself when you run into challenges in your life? Do you tend to ignore the fact that you’re suffering and focus exclusively on fixing the problem, or do you stop to give yourself care and comfort? 

When I am confronted with life's difficulties, I tend to be kind to myself. I get hugs from my husband, I take naps, and read. I do things that I know will help me feel better about myself, like exercise, cooking, or housework, and avoid things that I know will make me feel terrible: like video games, or something indulgent like shopping. But I do also try to solve my problems.  I usually have a plan of action in a few days.

Do you tend to get carried away by the drama of the situation, so that you make a bigger deal out of it than you need to, or do you tend to keep things in balanced perspective?

I try to keep a balanced perspective. But I also tend to see the worst. I know that my tendency to see the worst will not help me because we tend to manifest what we expect in our heads. I try to think that my suffering is insignificant compared to what is happening in the country, in the world - that the universe is so much bigger than my own woes..

Do you tend to feel cut off from others when things go wrong, with the irrational feeling that everyone else is having a better time of it then you, or do you get in touch with the fact that all humans experience hardship in their lives?

When I suffer, I get the feeling that everyone else is far more successful, and happier than I am. As I want to become more self-compassionate, I need to remind mself that all human beings have hardship in their lives. Any watcher of TV will see every day people suffering in far more dramatic ways than I am. Take for example any competition reality TV show like "America's Top Model" or "So You Think You Can Dance" and you will see all sorts of suffering from failure.

Cannery Point, Point Lobos, CA

Dive #210: Cannery Point

Dive Buddy: Hans

Viz: 40-50 feet

Depth/Time/Temperature: 72 ft/0:59 minutes/46 deg F

Tank/Weight worn: PST HP80/15 lbs total: 10 lbs on weight belt, 4 lbs in BCD, 1 lb on my ankles (felt overweighted)

Dive #211: Cannery Point

Dive Buddy: Hans

Viz: 40-50 feet

Depth/Time/Temperature: 76 ft/1:09 minutes/45 deg F

Tank/Weight worn: PST HP80/15 lbs total: 10 lbs on weight belt, 4 lbs in BCD, 1 lb on my ankles (felt overweighted)

Here's a 7 Second Video on ugly Sea Salp - 

watch for all the mouths opening

Whelks laying eggs

Anemones

Great Vis, lots of fish

Always Bring Duct Tape to Point Lobos

Mark and I went diving at Point Lobos yesterday.  The water was pretty murky and milky, I had difficulties working my camera housing, and I also had several equipment malfunctions (jerry-rigged snorkel keeper, blown out tank o-ring, torn wrist seal), but all in all, it was still pretty fun. It was just good to get back in the water, and we got to enjoy some topside attractions as well.

Here are the best pictures I could salvage:

Hermissenda Nudibranch

Baby fish hanging out in the kelp forest

I ripped a serious hole in one of my latex wrist seals after the first dive. (If only I had had thought to bring duct tape, we could have continued the dive). But with the conditions being average, and not knowing how to fix the leak, we decided to hike around Point Lobos instead. Actually, the scenery above the water was quite stunning, and I think it's too bad that we divers don't enjoy the scenery above water at Point Lobos more. It was gorgeous.

Dive #209:

Viz: 5-20 feet

Depth/Time/Temperature: 40 ft/0:59 minutes/48 deg F

Tank/Weight worn:

Mina wore: PST HP80/10 lbs on weight belt, 4 lbs in BCD, 1 lb on my ankles (thought I as a little light - time to lose some weight)

Mark wore: AL80 tank/ 20 lbs on weight belt, 6 lbs in BCD (Mark felt like he was too light. I told him that he should have worn 8 lbs of extra lead, but decided to try less weight.)

Dreaming Big

When we were young, it used to be so easy to dream big.   When I was little, I dreamt that someday, I would own houses in Paris, Rome and New York and that I would drive a yellow Lambourghini Countach, a white Mercedes SLK and a red Ferrari Testarossa (it was the 80's afterall).  Now that I've grown older, have a mortgage, and have friends with kids, it's been easy to abandon my dreams.  I don't remember how to dream, let alone practiced enough to dream big.

Recently, I have been inspired by the Marvel comic book movies. My husband, Mark, and I hunkered down and watched Thor, Captain America, Iron Man and Marvel's Avengers on DVD every weekend before watching Iron Man 3 on the big screen just a couple of days ago.  If Stan Lee had the imagination to dream up the various super heroes, and if Hollywood could come up with the amazing flights of fancy that are the Marvel movies, why should I relinquish my dreams?  Perhaps I should be letting my imagination fly and dream bigger.

Oh sure, it is one thing to fantasize about my next vacation, my next hobby, my next Solopreneur project, but all of these things are within the realm of the possible.  Why not dream about something that seems a little impossible?  And maybe by the act of imagining it, it can become possible. By listing my dreams are, perhaps I can conjure my dreams out of the ether.  And maybe in 5 years, when I reread what I have written now, I will have discovered that I have achieved one or two, or maybe even all of my dreams in some form or another. So here are a few of my "impossible" dreams:

1. Design and live in a house with a unencumbered view of the the ocean, much like Tony Stark's Malibu home in the Iron Man movies.

2. Purchase and drive a Porsche 911 off of the production line in Stuttgart and onto the Autobahn. I recently drove on the Autobahn in a Mitsubishi from Stuttgart to Tubingen, and reached a fairly mild speed of 129 mph but had to slow down to calm my racing heart.  Besides the Mitsubishi was starting to feel aerodynamically unstable. I can only imagine how different driving a Porsche might be.

3. I'd love to someday attend a high-glamour event like the Cannes Film Festival, The Met Ball in New York, or even the Oscars in Hollywood.  Oh well, a girl can dream.

4. Produce a work of art (film, visual) that actually reaches a larger audience.

5. Work with a great team of people on an epic project that I believe in strongly... OK. This is not such a big dream, because it is actually very doable.  As an engineer who has already been blessed with experiences working on products that helped enhance people's lives, I can already say that I have accomplished this dream to some effect.  I can say that the experience is addictive and I would love to be able to do it again.

6. Have an adventure, and not get hurt. For example, I am quite drawn to post-apocalyptic zombie stories. I don't believe in violence - I can scarcely hunt and kill an abalone to eat, but I would absolutely love an excuse to wield a big shotgun and shoot some zombies in the face. 

2013 Resolutions

1) Stability, stability, stability.

This past year has been one of the worst years of my life. As the new year begins, I look back on the grief and trauma I've experienced in the past year, and I feel sad. I look towards the new year, and sadly, I don't feel entirely hopeful. I feel even a little fearful of what grief my mind has convinced awaits me .

I would never think I would say this, but all I really want this year is stability. I don't want anything to happen to me. I just want to be tender with myself. I don't want to stand out, I just want to blend in and not make a fool of myself.

A hobbit hole is where I'd like to stay for the rest of the year

2) Make physical health a priority, especially to counter aging.

While training for my backpacking trip through Yosemite, I gained about 10 lbs, and couldn't fit into even my newest pair of jeans. I am going to take time out of my day to work out, even if it means a 2 hour lunch once a week.

3) Make more financial investments

Instead of just saying, be better with finances like I usually do every year, I am going to try and be more specific. It's time to begin nurturing my stock investments with more seriousness. The short term goal for these investments would be to finance a new kitchen renovation, (see below). The longer term goal for these investments would be to finance a new home (see below).

New Modern Kitchen

New Modern Home

4) Cultivate objectivity

I've been told that I tend to see things in black or white. I've not been able to recognize this in myself all the time, but this is what I have been told. I recently spent a significant portion of time with someone, however, who saw things very black or white, and it dawned on me what my own black and white thinking was like, and the harm it was doing to me, as well as those around me. Everything that we saw on TV with this person brought out a judgement, usually negative. Watching TV brought out a never-ending monologue of extreme opinions on all matters. For example, the recent rape case in India brought on a diatribe on all Indian people. Not only was her over-generalization unjust, but it was just a real grind to have to listen to. Not only can black and white thinking be directed towards others, it can often times be directed to oneself. For example:

If things aren't "perfect," then they must be "horrible." If your child isn't "brilliant" then he must be "stupid." If you're not "fascinating" then you must be "boring."  

This is the type of thinking that I tend to gravitate towards, and I can see how exhausting and how hurtful to myself this can be. So this year, I want to recognize my tendency to generalize things as either good or bad, black or white, and begin to see things as they are.